Praxis

There is some problem...

2009-06-04T04:41:00.003-05:00

For over a week now, I have woken each morning and faced the reality of no running water. In the States the only time I can remember not having water was when the power was out from a storm. Only during a hurricane would this waterless state of affairs approach twenty-four hours. I recently read a former YAV's blog on Americans' relationship with electricity and how crippled we are without it. Her basic argument was nearly all our activities, "productive" and otherwise, require electricity. In a similar way, when our water stops coming through the pipes, we have no alternative.

Here the alternative before I can bathe, brush my teeth, and/or shave is to take my two buckets and walk down with my friends to the nearby well. And I mean walk down, because the well is wonderfully positioned at the bottom of the hill our hostel sits on. While there's something fulfilling about dropping that silver pail down the well while trying not to get rope burn on your hands or let the pail hit the fern-covered sides, I miss the time when water kindly obeyed my request by falling out of the faucet in my wall when encouraged by the turn of a knob.

A couple day ago, as we waited for one of my friends to draw water, I commented to another that it had now been a week since we had water. His response put me in my place: "Yes, John, but we have water. In India, many people have no water. There is some problem, but we have water." I realized immediately he was completely right; because of climate change, pollution by Western corporations, and a whole host of other causes I know too little about, many people here (and elsewhere) have lost the ability to use the water near their homes and are forced to walk miles each day.

Leaving the States hasn't perfected my awareness of global problems. Even in India I take for granted the convieniences I do have and forget that there are those who suffer to meet their daily needs. It frightens me to think of how much more disconnected I will be from my global siblings once I return to the States, but one of my goals for is to constantly work toward a higher level of awareness. But it will take an extraordinary of initiative; even when we live in the Majority/Third World, it's possible to protect ourselves from harsher realities. But doesn't this only limit our immersion in God's creation.

New Stuff for You!

2009-06-02T23:50:00.001-05:00

You can find my most recent newsletter on the PC(USA) website.

Also you can find almost 200 photos from my All India Tour and new photos from Kerala.

(Blogs coming soon!)

Alive in Delhi

2009-04-04T21:27:00.003-05:00

After a 48-hour train ride up the subcontinent, we arrived in Delhi Friday to be hosted by Sue and David Hudson (as well as their daughter Mary), who both work for the PC(USA). It's evident they belong in India, because they have Indian hospitality nailed down. And it tastes great!

After seeing India Gate and the seat of government at sunset Friday, we woke up and stormed Delhi with a vengeance Saturday. Last night I walked into the Hudson's apartment and informed them we had "conquered Delhi." Which is quite the overstatement as there is much more to see than the tourist sites we hit: Qutb Minar, Lotus Temple, Humayun's Tomb, Connaught Place, Chandni Chowk, Red Fort, Jama Masjid.

It's a little early for a full-blown "John's Thoughts" post on Delhi, but my first impression is that Delhi is so alive. The last place we visited, Jama Masjid - one of the largest mosques in India, is found in Old Delhi. What was so striking about the mosque was the long walk from the closest street to the bottom of the steps that led up to the mosque itself. So many people were gathered along the way selling, drinking, buying, talking, and throwing rocks at dogs. It was clear that there was such a sense of place for these people; they were so incredibly oriented to the mosque - it bound them together. From the top of the steps, I got the strong sense that I was standing right in the middle of so much. Such a sense of community! I just couldn't get enough. I can't imagine what it would be like if churches created that type of space.

From the top of the steps at Jama Masjid

Tonight we're headed to Agra via train and will return tomorrow evening to Delhi. I'm not sure how much internet access I'll have for the rest of the trip, so don't necessarily expect too much blogging along the way, but I'll do what I can. Here are a few pictures from the last couple days:

Sudie and me in front of India Gate

At Qutb Minar

Qutb Minar

The Lotus Temple

Pulkit - Sudie's best-friend from college - and Sudie

At the Red Fort

Extension

2009-03-31T03:55:00.001-05:00

The essay I wrote regarding the church's call to remain in community with one another is something I believe I'll always be able to look back on and be proud of. The idea of community and the struggle and joy integral to the pursuit of bringing diverse people together is something that over that last three or four years has continued to grow in importance to my personal philosophy and theology. Beginning in my sophomore year as a Resident Assistant, and through my roles as a Peer Minister, pastoral intern, and now Young Adult Volunteer, I have continued to learn how difficult, yet rewarding this struggle can be.

But the struggle is so much bigger than simply looking at faith communities. It extends from churches, mosques, temples, and synagogues to neighborhoods, towns, cities, and eventually our society as a whole. Because it is easier, we often shy away from genuine, diverse community as it often asks something of us: critical reflection of our beliefs. As a result of the privilege of choice that wealth offers, we are able to move through our lives carefully controlling whom we interact with. Simply put, Americans are talented escapists.

We move into neighborhoods, dine at restaurants, go to events, join churches, sleep in hotels, and shop at stores all in places that are frequented by those like us. This is often based on class and/or race. But no matter what factors influence these choices, it is those that we see as the "other," those that make us feel uncomfortable, that we subconsciously weed out of our lives. And once they have been successfully weeded out of our lives, we look around to find only those most like us.

All of this works to affirm our position, ideology, theology, and politics in life. We surround ourselves with our "Yes!" men and women because we are afraid that we may be challenged in our notions, and God-forbid, proven wrong. How can we grow if we weren't challenged? The status quo would simply remain. No Reformation, no Emancipation Proclamation, etc. Growth and critical reflection can only come to true fruition through placing ourselves in communities that are diverse in their views and challenge us to take a critical look at our own.

Hopes and Concerns

2009-03-18T03:17:00.001-05:00

When I was applying to seminary a couple months ago and came across this prompt: "Austin Seminary understands itself to be a seminary of the church of Jesus Christ. In a brief essay (1 page, double-spaced) please state your hopes and concerns for the church," this is what I wrote:

Though the Presbyterian Church U.S.A. is only a small piece of the mosaic that is the “church of Jesus Christ,” I have chosen to address a hope and concern through the lens of my own faith tradition while understanding that it is a challenge for all traditions. My hope is that as the PC(USA) continues to struggle with discerning God’s call concerning difficult questions (e.g. the ordination of homosexuals), above all, its members remember the importance of their own call to remain in community with one another. My resulting concern is that if we fail to work for God’s will as a diverse, loving community, we will splinter into smaller groups that simply affirm what we already believe and cease to challenge one another to grow.

To use the aforementioned example, the arguments for and against ordaining homosexuals tend to be both passionate and personal. This results in people’s fears keeping them from genuinely listening to each other, and particularly to those who they disagree with. Listening to one another and scripture is one of the most important aspects of being in a faith community; the humbling act of listening affirms our respect for one other, challenges our own beliefs, and empowers all. This process of listening and evaluating our own theological beliefs offers an exciting opportunity for spiritual growth as a community. If faith communities abandon the call to actively listen to all voices and divide into the seductive comfort of sectarian groups, they lose the opportunity to have their faith challenged and reformed by varied perspectives.

So as the PC(USA) and other faith traditions passionately discern where God is calling them, I pray everyone realizes the importance and beauty in listening to each other out of love and continues to wrestle with the questions that seem daunting, but in the end, strengthen all. Otherwise, I fear this gift will be lost and the opportunity for spiritual growth will be limited as people simply surround themselves with their personal “Yes!” men and women.

Money and Forms, Horse and Carriage

2009-03-12T23:30:00.000-05:00

You wouldn't know it from the amount of attention that this blog receives, but I am indeed alive, still in India, and functioning fairly well (according my own standards). As I discussed in a previous newsletter, I've found myself a little burned out on reflecting on my time here. To some degree this bothers me as I want to continue to be critical about what's going on with me, those around me, and God in this place and time. But I also feel it's fairly reasonable at this point for me to be a little tired of my attempts to reflect, chronicle, and distribute my musings. Now that I got that out, we can move on...

Being accepted to seminary was a milestone in my life. It felt kind of like getting a stamp on a form that had been sent through a long bureaucratic process over the last three years. Not because the journey was particularly difficult or stressful, more because there was a lot at stake and I didn't feel "secure" until the final approval was certain. I couldn't imagine myself coming back to the States to do anything other than study theology. And I couldn't imagine myself doing that anywhere other than Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary. Having that stamp of approval allows me to slump into my chair and let out a deep breath. Or, so I thought...

I had personally felt relatively unaffected by the "financial crisis" (said in a booming, pessimistic voice) until it hit me about seven minutes after getting the news that I was accepted: graduate school is what we would call expensive. It seems I have my own little financial crisis. Indeed, there are plenty of sources other than my own volunteer-stipend-stretched bank account to pull from. So that is what I've spent plenty of time over the last few weeks doing: searching for and filling out scholarship applications and - here's the kicker - attempting to coordinate references, transcripts, and sending my own forms from India.

Third parties have definitely made the process as painless as possible, but I had felt so relieved after dealing with all of this when applying for seminary that it never occurred to me that it was only the preliminary round of printing forms, scanning the same forms updated with my answers, and pelting emails at people. All the while having my mom do plenty of work State-side (thank you!). After this week, when I hope to have them all turned in, it seems that I'll have a bit of a respite from form-hugging until I hear back and get a sense of my financial situation.

And that respite will be nice as I've got quite a bit coming up in the next couple months. Next week (March 17-21) will be spent at Achen and Kochamma's home in Aluva for a retreat and to meet his daughter and her family as they are flying from Bahrain. I will then return to CMS College for what I predict will be a frantic week and a half as I prepare to tie up lose ends before leaving April 1 for a month-long tour North India, which I'm am absolutely ecstatic about. Upon returning we'll have another retreat in Aluva, visit a festival in Thrissur, and then go back to our sites around the end of the first week of May before we hop around doing summer camp style children's programs as a team at each other's sites (April-May is the summer holiday here).

I'm just praying for some stamina!

Hello, February

2009-02-01T22:28:00.005-06:00

I'm so glad it's February and Monday all in one. For one, January seemed to absolutely crawl by. After spending so much time with the other volunteers in December, it made it more difficult to enter back into my sites and reengage. And I'm glad it's Monday because I missed my idli yesterday, as we had to go to a different hotel since our favorite is closed on Sundays. But today, I'll be having my idli and chutney.

This week itself is fairly exciting for a few reasons. The first is I'll be visiting two new schools Tuesday that I may be teaching at from now on. One is an all girls school and the other is a connected all boys school, both of which cater to lower income families. I believe they are Malayalam medium schools - meaning the classes are taught in Malayalam instead of English- so, that's a bit intimidating as I'll have my work cut out for me.

Thursday I have my long-coming seminary interview. Last year, when I finally visited the seminary officially, they offered interviews to all the visitors, but being John, I didn't like not being mentally prepared, so I told them "no thanks". Now they're having to foot the bill to call India... I guess that wasn't very considerate of me. I'm really looking forward to this interview as it is the last of my application requirements; after Thursday night, all I have to do is wait. That should be fun.

As far as seminary in general, I'm so glad that I waited. If I hadn't become a YAV, I would most likely be in seminary right now. It probably wouldn't have been bad for me at all, but I would have been going almost by default; last year I certainly wanted to go to seminary, but not to the same degree that I do now. Right before I came to India, I had a conversation with my Campus Minister about how I thought I didn't want to go to seminary, which I think was a healthy stage to work through. However, since living through the last five months, I'm dying to go to seminary and explore the truck load of questions and spattering of realizations I've picked up along the way. Naturally, I feel the next three years will be much richer on the heels of this year's experience.

In other news, it looks like the only first-year will be moving out of PG Hostel this week, as it is rumored to be closing before next year. I understand that he wants to move sooner than later, but I will miss him. It will also be pretty lonely down here in the forest - it's pretty overgrown - once the second-years complete their courses this summer and go off to their homes. I'll survive and it will provide an opportunity to visit the house he will be living in with four other men.

Finally, I've put a few pictures that actually have me in them, as they were taken by another American that visited my sites with me. So, now you know I'm actually here.

Nuthin' Special

2009-01-21T22:40:00.008-06:00

I just finished my morning run, went to take a bath, and found there was no water. Not an ideal situation, so I decided to write a post as I listen for water to coming rushing from the tap. Unlike other days when there is simply no water to be had, today the cause is the college has been turning off the water at night so that students don’t sneak into the science labs and turn on all the taps – apparently recently a frequent pastime.

Tuesday, after a “normal” day at CMS, I went over to Mandirim, Becca’s site, via the back of a friend’s motorcycle (much more fun than a bus). We were joined by a girl from California, Kacee, who was traveling in Thailand and decided she wanted to volunteer for a few weeks in India, so she’ll be staying at Mandirim and helping out. As many Malayalis did, we stayed up quite late to watch the President’s inauguration. It’s phenomenal how important the rest of the world, from the looks of things, and especially India, from firsthand experience, sees this moment in history.

I was impressed with the inclusivity of President Obama’s speech; reminding our country and the world that our nation is one of “Christians and Muslims,” etc. is powerful in reminding people of the identity of a democracy that claims to represent all its citizens. I also appreciated that he bluntly told the nation we can no longer afford to be “indifferent” to the relative poverty of other nations as we continue to selfishly consume. Apparently, he agrees that all of God’s children deserve fundamental necessities. I know that these are things that many people don’t want to hear and/or don’t agree with, but I believe it’s crucial to have leaders who will faithfully challenge the complacency we often slip into.

Wednesday we spent a lot of time sitting with the grandmothers and grandfathers at Madirim, which has begun to confirm what I learned through my senior project on Older Adult Ministry – I really love old people. That afternoon Becca and Kacey joined me for my usual hour of talking in English over coffee with a social work student. I was really moved when I watched him interact with Kacey (who, unlike Becca, he was meeting for the first time); his confidence in English has grown exponentially since coming to me last Fall for help.

I’m now back at CMS, but will be leaving today to travel to Wayanad for the weekend with the other volunteers. We will be meeting with a tribal community there to learn about their struggles and joys. I’ll probably save that upcoming story for my January Newsletter, so you can look forward to that!

I'm Back... For Now

2009-01-19T00:41:00.004-06:00

I'll admit it. I've been a terrible blogger these last couple months. Both of December's post were taken directly from my November Newsletter. Just shameful, John. I've reprimanded myself and hope to be blogging in full force again soon. I've just posted a couple picture-heavy blogs that I thought might interest a few people who are interested in either beef or food in general.

My blogging pre-YAV wasn't reflective enough, I felt. And my blogging during my time as a YAV has felt a little overly serious, which isn't my style. So, yet again, here I am trying to strike a healthy balance. I'm hoping if I allow myself to be a little lighter here, I might feel like blogging more often - instead of making myself feel like my blogs are under the scrutiny of an admissions committee (which my seminary application is about to be).

Bovine

2009-01-19T00:30:00.001-06:00

I can't believe I'm actually doing this. But my father, being the cow connoisseur that he is, requested pictures of cows. Enjoy!

A Lesson in Food

2009-01-19T00:10:00.002-06:00

I thought I’d treat you to an assortment of foods that I’ve eaten since coming to Kerala. With riveting commentary, of course!

Meals

That’s right. We just call this “meals.” Basically, this is about as traditional Keralite faire as you’ll ever get: an assortment of curries and other random, sometimes scary, goodies [not labeled] to mix with your rice [A], all lain upon a freshly chopped off banana leaf [F]. Also included is a banana itself [B] and something that I can’t spell that sounds like “pop-a-dumb” [E] – a very tasty (as in salty), crispy item that I usually save for the end and eat separately instead of breaking into the rice as most people do. And don’t forget your pickle! [D] “Pickle” is any kind of random fruit (mango is the safest) that has gone through some kind of process – maybe be pickling if I dared to guess – that creates one overwhelming flavor in your mouth; it’s an intricate fusion of sweet, sour, and spicy that I stay away from. Also in the same not-so-tasty category is (don’t know how to transliterate this one either) “pie-a-sum,” a thick drink full of rice that is so sweet you’ll pucker.

Tender Coconut – Stage 1

You can find vendors along road selling these. They’ll simply chop off one from their little bushel, then take a hatchet and create a hole in one end, stick a straw in, and then present to you for your drinking pleasure. The vendor will tell you that the coconut water will cure anything from insomnia to both types of diabetes, but I’m not convinced. However, I do believe it when they say it’s hydrating and about the purest water in Kerala.

Tender Coconut – Stage 2

After drinking, the vendor will chop open the coconut for you to eat the meat. Now, the meat was definitely an acquired flavor for me, but I’ve learned to enjoy it. You scoop out the meat with a sliver of coconut the vendor will provide from your very own coconut. Quite the process!

Pineapple

If the picture I took weren’t so washed out, I’d trust you could figure out this one on your own. Pineapple grow all over Kerala it seems (there’s a farm just outside of CMS). The pineapple tastes pretty much like you’d expect, but it’s always a fun, tasty experience whether in liquid or solid form.

Christmas Cake

Oh, Christmas cake. So, I’m not a fan of cake at Christmas; I feel like it should be reserved for birthdays. Maybe this is because I’m not really a fan of cake in the first place (I usually ask for an alternative for my own birthday), but at Christmas?! It kind of tasted like a carrot/fruit cake hybrid. You do the math. I survived, but this won’t be something I incorporate into my Christmases in the future.

Kappa and Meen

This is a personal favorite! Kappa is Malayalam for tapioca, a yellow, potato-like root I’m sure you’ve heard of, and meen is fish. The fish curry is arguably the spiciest that I’ve had, but it goes great with the mashed potato like consistency of tapioca. Also included here is what we call “small fish fry, ” a whole plate of fried fish so small you eat them whole without the bones bothering you, but large enough to see their beady little eyes. These fish, with curry leaves and onions atop, can be dipped in some kappa or simply popped into your mouth. Now, if you know me well, you’re aware that whole fish being something John now enjoys placing in his mouth is what we call “growth” – or possibly regression – I’m not sure. And don’t forget your discard pile for curry leaves and the tough fiber that runs down the middle of the tapioca.

Chicken Biriyani

I saved the best for last! Easily one of my favorites here in Kerala, biriyani [D], whether chicken [B], beef, or vegetarian, is delicious. Very similar to fried rice, the difference, a Malayali recently told me, is that biriyani is cooked with the meat and/or vegetables. This biriyani came with a few personal favorites, a hard-boiled egg [C], “salad” [A], and a “pop-a-dumb” [E].

Thanksgiving

2008-12-22T06:16:00.004-06:00

The morning India woke to learn about the violence in Mumbai was also Thanksgiving Day. The volunteers traveled by train, being joined by one another along the way, south to Trivandrum (Thiruvananthapuram), Kerala's capital, for our November retreat. Thanksgiving, possibly my favorite holiday because of its pressure-free, (largely) noncommercial nature, brought a mixture of emotions. Although we had been promised
pumpkin pie, I was skeptical of how much a single pie could make the day actually feel like Thanksgiving. There was no way around the fact that none of us had family, cold weather, or turkey to celebrate with. After we arrived in Trivandrum, visited the much-too-touristy beach, and got cleaned up, we met for "Thanksgiving" dinner in the hotel's dining room. Well, they sure showed us.

With Kochamma's direction, the kitchen staff had conjured up roasted chickens, potatoes, something yellow that tasted as much like a sweet potato as possible without being one, real stuffing, tomato and cucumber salad, delicious soup, and pumpkin pie with ice cream. It really tasted like Thanksgiving! However, what meant the most to me was the amount of effort, preparation, and love that went into that
meal. None of the dishes we were served (other than the rice and chicken curry that none of us could reconcile with the rest of the courses) are typical Kerala cuisine. Far from it, for that matter. All said and done, this Thanksgiving may be the most memorable one I'll have for the rest of my life. And of course, before eating we
discussed what we were thankful for. My gratitude was for all of those supporting me; I am reminded daily that this passage is far from a solitary one; family, friends, and most importantly, Christ are journeying with me.

[Excerpt from my November Newsletter to friends, family, and supporters.]

Mumbai

2008-12-22T06:15:00.004-06:00

After the horrible attacks on Mumbai many people expressed their concern for the other volunteers and myself. Your concern means a lot to me and I ask that you continue to pray for those directly impacted by the attacks, the attackers, and the governments of India and Pakistan.

I feel like I should begin by assuring you that I feel as safe here as I ever have in the States. India is an incredibly diverse country with over 20 official languages whose cultures and peoples are as distinct as the languages they speak. Unlike Mumbai, a huge, cosmopolitan metropolis in the state of Maharashtra, I am living in Kottayam, Kerala. I feel incredibly secure in Kottayam, a city of ~ 60,000 people, venturing into new neighborhoods on my own (a morning walk favorite) and do not have even a single story of hostility directed at me for being a Westerner/Northerner/American.

It is for this reason that the travel advisories from the U.S. and some European countries against traveling to India distress me. In no way do the attacks reflect the atmosphere of Kerala, other parts of India, and even Mumbai usually. As with traveling anywhere, you must simply be cautious and aware. There is always risk; should that fear keep us from exploring the world? I don't believe it should. It is evident our Mumbai, New York City, has survived attacks of its own and I plan to visit there one day as well. I hope that when we speak of other nations we do not generalize a country as "dangerous" with a tone of superiority, but are careful to speak of specific regions facing conflict (instead of an entire nation of more than 1 billion people).

[Excerpt from my November Newsletter to friends, family, and supporters.]

Host Family

2008-11-21T03:48:00.000-06:00

Many of you may know that one of the aspects of the Guatemala site that really drew me to it was that the volunteers live with host families. There’s just something about living in the midst of other people’s lives that offers you a deeper glimpse into who they are. I thought that if there were one thing I would change about the India site, I would have lived with a host family.

What I’ve recently realized is that I do have a host family in PG Hostel. There are only seven of us, me, two first year Chemistry students, and four second year Chemistry students. I do everything with them that I would with a traditional host family: share meals, run errands, see each other off at the railway station, complain, rejoice, say “goodnight,” read (they study), and play.

What’s really special about these six men is that they don’t see me as their token American friend. At least not to the same extent as I feel many other CMS students do. With the hostel guys, my Indian family, I feel like as much of a Malayali as I’m ever going to. I can be honest with them: ask them not to call me saip, tell them when I’m not having a great day, and share that I miss my American family and friends deeply. In return, they listen to me and show genuine concern as if they were my brothers.

I recently found out the four second years are leaving at the end of March and will only return occasionally for their last exams. That only leaves the two first years and me until August. Except I found out this morning that one of the first years is leaving CMS. He has decided that a Masters in Chemistry has absolutely nothing to do with what he wants to do professionally, become a civil servant. I can’t say that I blame him, but this is a rough time for everyone.

Back in September, he was by far the most exhausting person I had met at CMS. He threw a ceaseless volley of questions at me concerning United States and Indian politics and social issues. To illustrate the struggle, I told the other volunteers that he must be the person God is “calling me to love.” I was soon able to appreciate that at least he asked the questions others were afraid to and spending time with him has become a joy, not a struggle.

But now he is leaving us. And to further complicate matters, that would leave only one student in PG Hostel proper (I live in an adjoining room), which leads them to think they may close the hostel after March. I pray this doesn’t happen. Not because I don’t want to move (frankly I don’t have enough things to even make it a hassle), but because I don’t want to lose my host family. I hope that they are able to find more students or some other solution. As long as I don’t lose the family I’ve found, I’ll be content.

I Do

2008-11-21T03:47:00.000-06:00

I was sitting in my room Tuesday night when I saw two figures approach my door. It was two men, one of which I knew better (and took care of the speaking) and the other I had seen around CMS. The former informed me that the latter was getting married on Thursday at the CSI Cathedral in Kottayam and wanted me to be at the wedding. “Of course,” I immediately replied. It didn’t hurt that they also mentioned that biriyani (a kind of glorified fried rice) would be served at the reception.

I was so excited to have finally been invited to and Indian wedding that I called another volunteer as soon as they left. While I was on the phone with her, two other men approached my door. I quickly got off the phone, walked over, and saw that one of them was a PG hostel guy and the other I didn’t know. My friend proceeds to inform me that the latter is getting married during the weekend that I’ll be on retreat with the other YAVs; I explained and declined feeling quite disappointed.

I know, I know. I had just been invited to another wedding, but the second was going to be quite the affair. Not only was it a Hindu wedding, meaning another level of opportunity for cultural and religious observation, but it was going to involve traveling with the guys and to another part of Kerala. But I love weddings, so I was still excited to go to the Christian one on Thursday. And of course, Becca had been invited too (her Malayalam tutor is the groom’s grandfather); the Christian community in Kerala is quite the network.

So after teaching a class on Thursday morning, I made the fifteen minute walk (yes, uphill) to the CSI Cathedral, where I’d attended a worship service previously, to wait for Becca. She was being brought from Mandirim by a Malayali, so they were naturally late, culturally on time. I took a seat by myself and soon found that I didn’t have the best view. Frankly I’m not sure what went on for the next forty-five minutes because of my vantage point and the language barrier. But of course, I do have a few observations:

One of the most astounding moments was when the wedding march began (same “Here Comes the Bride” that we have) and the bride was proceeded by twenty Achens (Pastors). No exaggeration, I counted. The aforementioned grandfather to the groom explained that the family was basically well connected. Normally, he said, only three Achens are necessary. And don’t you worry, the Bishop was also present.

A general cultural observation is the clothing worn by the guests. Although the groom wore a suit and the bride a white wedding sari, guests wore what they would to go out for tea in. Kerala just doesn’t have the same concept of levels of dress that we have. It was incredibly nice to know that I could wear the same thing to teach and then to the wedding. I didn’t have to worry about being over or under-dressed for either.

We go as far as to tell our guests what to wear on the invitation. Why!? Where does our concept of dressing “up” come from? It doesn’t change who the person is. Why try to alter the perception? And because Malayalis don’t dress up for events doesn’t mean they take them any less seriously. They just have other, less material ways of making events special. After being here, it just seems strange to me how much importance we place on a person’s clothing.

The reception was fairly similar to American weddings. The couple sat up front and the guests at tables to eat the delicious biriyani (I consumed more in one sitting than I have since coming). However, it was only an hour long and didn’t involve dancing. What it did involve was a soundtrack of American 90’s boybands; spectacular!

One last similarity and difference. Similarity: the wedding photographers (film and still) were all over the place just like ours. And I’ve found that Malayali wedding albums are quite the sight and are shown enthusiastically to guests in homes. Difference: the time and day of the wedding (11:30 AM on a Thursday) was quite different from your typical Saturday evening American wedding. I’m not sure when most Indian wedding are, but this one was a little different than what I’m used to.

Schedule

2008-11-21T03:46:00.001-06:00

Slowly but surely, I’m uncovering my path here in India. While it is sometimes frustrating to not have the amount of guidance and pressure that I’m used to, it’s also a blessing to have the kind of flexibility my site offers me concerning the utilization of my time. I thought it would be nice to provide some of you at home with an idea of how I make use of my time in the form of a schedule of sorts:

Tuesday/Up-for-Grabs-day – Nothing formally scheduled here; it is becoming a pseudo-Sabbath of sorts (unless I am asked to teach three classes like this week). I do usually tutor an MSW student from a neighboring town in spoken English any day of the week I’m available. So, a lot of catching up on emails, reading, relaxing, praying (ok, maybe not a lot on this one), and grabbing any opportunities that arise. Of course, everyday that I’m here (not including Sunday), I go to Jacob’s (a coffee shop) with the PG hostel guys, where a woman about 40 years serves us coffee and gives us free snacks sometimes. What can I say; she loves us and we love her. Other than that, I do whatever pops up on Tuesday. For example, while I was at a wedding yesterday, an Achen (Pastor) introduced himself and proceeded to tell me he would pick me up next Tuesday to visit a seminary that he’s speaking at. My response: Sounds good! Indian flexibility, my friends.

Wednesday/Mandirim-day – After talking with Becca, who is often overwhelmed by the number of ammachis and appachens (elderly women and men) she needs to visit each week at her site, Mandirim Society, and realizing that I have an excess of time, it has been decided that I will visit Mandirim each Wednesday to spend time with the residents there. This week was my first visit and Becca had to kind of escort me around, but soon I’ll be visiting on my own. It’s also great to spend time with another volunteer to process, rejoice, complain, and generally have some good laughs. Of course, I go to Jacobs when I get back to Kottayam (it’s about a 20 minute bus ride) and tutor the MSW student, who is not from CMS by the way. I actually met a friend of his at Jacobs and was then surprised with a visit from the two of them at my room that night. Slightly random, but mostly an exciting opportunity (I much prefer “tutoring” one person to “teaching” a class).

Thursday/Teaching-day – At ten o’clock I teach a class on Critical Essay Writing to the Communicative English students for an hour. The students generally have better English skills than other departments and there are some real characters in this class. They’re a lot of fun and when we have time, we even play games. From 1:15-1:45 I engage a class over at the Baker L.P. school (about a 10 minute walk to the elementary school). This is a bit of a struggle. Mostly because I don’t really know what to do with the kids; their English is pretty limited so I will read them a short story and ask a couple comprehension questions. We also play games like Simon Says, which build vocabulary. I’m learning what works and doesn’t. And there’s always Jacob’s and tutoring (have you caught on yet?).

Friday-Monday/Kanam Time! – Anywhere between Friday and Monday (leave on Friday or Saturday and return on Sunday or Monday) I take a one hour bus ride to Kanam to stay at the CSI Boys Hostel there. The children are either orphans, deserted, or come from families too poor to support them. There are almost 50 boys that range from fifth standard to college (including two at CMS who I ride the bus with). I’ve really begun to look forward to my time there. I feel a real sense of purpose when I’m in Kanam that I don’t always feel at CMS. We sit around and talk, play cricket, badminton, or volleyball (that’s right, I’m playing sports), eat, sleep, read, teach/learn English grammar, and attend Friday night prayer and Sunday morning worship. And whichever days I’m not there, of course include Jacobs and tutoring.

Other…

Chapel – Chapel services at CMS are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 9:30-10:00. I attend each of these that I’m here for and sometimes lead the English service, which is on Monday.

Breakfast – Sometime between 7:30 and 8:3, the guys and I take about a 10 minute walk to a hole-in-the-wall hotel (restaurant) for delicious breakfast. It’s so good, I always get the same thing: iddyappam and mota curry.

Lunch – Anywhere between 12:00 and 2:00, I usually go to the college canteen for rice unless I’m invited by students somewhere else.

Supper – Between 7:00 and 8:30, the guys and I take another 10 minute walk in the opposite direction to have canye (rice soup) from Deepika Canteen (a place for newspaper employees, but others are welcome).

This in no way covers all the random events I find myself at or illustrates my time spent at the hostel with the guys, but should give you a pretty good idea of how I use a good portion of my time.

Being...

2008-11-21T03:43:00.000-06:00

Back in February, when I began applying for the YAV program, I was emailed a Word document named “Important YAV Concepts.” The first section, “Being and Doing,” explains the challenge and “healthy tension” between these two ways of living; “In our culture, much value is placed upon what we do and achieve. If we cannot show that we are ‘usefully’ occupied or point to the evidence of our work, we can feel a sense of failure or lack of purpose because our culture values doing… Allow God to use you whether you are being or doing. Often times one leads richly to the other.” This tension is probably the biggest struggle I’m having in India.

Because CMS simply does not ask much of me, I can rarely show that I am “usefully occupied” which has at times led to feeling a “lack of purpose”. Much of what I’m asked to do simply involves showing up at events to simply be present and not directly participate. In the beginning, when my focus was on simply adjusting, it was nice to not have too much asked of me. But eventually it was not nice at all, primarily frustrating. Being present at event after event is simply not quantifiable, and quantifying work and time is what American culture does best.

Yet slowly I am coming to realize that the most beautiful, fulfilling moments really do come from my least structured activities (e.g. going to coffee each day with the guys, walking around and striking up conversations with students, visiting people’s homes, even reading with students). It is in these moments that I am able to offer myself, not what I can accomplish. In a recent email, a close pastor and mentor reminded me, “The work you are doing - the ministry of presence - is truly one of the things that is the hardest to learn.”

[Excerpt from my October Newsletter to friends, family, and supports.]

Holidays, Services, and Untouchability

2008-10-28T00:32:00.001-05:00

This Monday was a holiday and all but one of the men in the hostel went home to take advantage of the three-day weekend. Overall, the weekend was fairly uneventful; the two of us both enjoy reading, which consumed most of our time. In fact, we spent about an hour on Sunday afternoon reading The Hindu, the national English newspaper, and I would explain the definitions of words here and there. Also on Sunday, I was able to visit my fifth church in Kerala. I must say the differences between services that I am able to pick up on are few and far between thanks to my friend The Language Barrier.

However, my first Sunday at CMS I went with a friend (now gone to Goa, another state, to work after completing his graduate work this September) to a Catholic service. Some clear differences were definitely present. Of special note was the amazingness that was the priest’s robe and cape combo; he would have fit right in on a stage in Vegas. I found myself daydreaming of becoming Catholic so that upon ordination I could take advantage of such exhilarating attire (it would even make up for that whole celibacy thing… maybe). But I digress…

After spending the entire weekend at a professor’s house the weekend before, I learned this Sunday that I much prefer one-day visits where I am able to return to my room to process the day. This trip consisted of being picked up at the hostel by my Malayalam tutor, a CMS student and quite the character, taking a rather empty bus to his village, having coffee with his family (including his adorable 29-day-old nephew who made me miss my own nephew terribly), having breakfast at a CMS staff members home, attending the customary two hour church service, being escorted back to the bus stop, braving an impressively crowded bus back to Kottayam on my own, and finally crashing on my bed for a nap until lunch. One of my “favorite” things is being asked by everyone, “How was the service?” Of course, my answer is always positive while I think to myself, “I have no idea what was going on!” This is not to say that I didn’t enjoy the visit, because I most certainly did.

Aside from The Language Barrier, my constant companion, there are a few other aspects of Kerala worship services that I have found challenging to reconcile with my theology. One of the main characteristics is that women sit on one side of the church and men on the other. This isn’t particular to churches though; the same is true for busses, classrooms, eating, etc. Communion, which I’m thinking may be served every Sunday, further reinforces some gender separation. Not only do men go to one side of the altar(?) and women to the other, but the women obediently cover their heads with their saris to receive communion. And lastly, the services are extraordinarily liturgical. Every week the same order of worship is followed with the same prayers (except for slight variations where allowed by the Book). And they call Presbyterians “the frozen chosen.” Oh, and did I mention the services are usually around two hours long?

Disclaimer: I mean for none of this to serve as a critique; I just thought I’d share a few examples of what has made me appreciate my own Presbyterianism and give my readers a little less of my regular white-washed view of India

After tea on Sunday, my friend and I watched a documentary that his friend, who is working on a Masters in Film and Editing, lent him. The documentary, India Untouched, was directed by Stalin K, who is, I believe, a Malayali (a more often used term for Keralite) to highlight the issue of Untouchability in India. Now I’m not going to go into an explanation of the caste system because (1) I don’t know enough about it and (2) it’s two exhaustive of a subject to attempt to explain in a blog, but the film brought a lot to my attention; mostly along the lines of how incredibly diverse India is and as a result, how little I really comprehend of this nation’s complexity.

Kerala, which, by the way, uses Untouchability (practiced like it sounds) against the Dalits (lowest caste) only in more subtle ways, is renowned for its level of development, literacy rates, and beauty. Therefore, I’m really looking forward to April when the volunteers will embark on our All-India Tour (specific states yet to be determined by us) and Christmas break which will be spent at an orphanage in Andhra Pradesh. I’m excited to be able to have something to compare Kerala too because I’m finding my current lens is pretty limited.

The Foreigner

2008-10-28T00:29:00.004-05:00

There is a word that follows each volunteer of Team India, as we jovially refer to ourselves, like a persistent mosquito. Yes, that really is an accurate analogy. For David and me, the word is saip. And for Lindsey, Sudie, Ariel, and Becca, it is madama. Each of the volunteers has a different relationship with their word/mosquito. Some swat it immediately, others wear Off! to prevent it’s attacks, and some may smile lovingly at this integral part of God’s creation. I fall into Category 1: The Swatters. I anticipate swatting the word when no one is even speaking. I dream about its death. If this word, saip, were actually a tangible being I would guillotine it.

The word saip, I am told, is the Malayalam counterpart to sahib, which simply means sir in Hindi. And now, Dear Reader, you are thinking, “Oh, how polite and innocent of a word.” Not so fast! During India’s visit from her "friend" (intended to read sarcasticaly) Colonization, sahib/saip began to be used out of (undeserved) respect for Englishmen (and madama for women in case you hadn’t put that together yet). And now the term is synonymous with “foreigner.” Having people recognize me as a foreigner isn’t offensive in and of itself; indeed, I am a foreigner and have no shame in being one. But there’s something about me that allows people to make that judgment: my skin.

I am struggling because for the first time in my life I feel defined by the color of my skin. As a white man who grew up in the U.S., I have always been the majority. And while there were times when I’m sure I was the minority in a room, they were rare and passing. No, unlike others, my skin has never made me feel abnormal. The society I come from repeatedly affirms that I am the normal one whose Band-aids have always matched my skin. But the truth is there’s nothing any more “normal” about the color of my skin, yours, an Indian’s, or Barack Obama’s. The challenge is that I have now received a label that I did not ask for and would prefer to reject. And because I don’t speak Malayalam, I will never even understand the complexity of the connotations associated with the word saip, my label, like its users do.

What I do have control over, and will use more carefully from here on out, is the labels that I place on others. For example, until now, I have never really understood why U.S. citizens whose ancestors were Mexican do not want to be referred to as Mexican themselves. I always thought, “Well, my grandmother doesn’t mind being called German.” I think I get it now. There are plenty of connotations and various understandings associated with the word “Mexican” and if you prefer “Hispanic” or “Latina/o,” I am happy to oblige. It is not denying someone’s identity; it is recognizing the common humanity and honoring people enough to empower them to choose how that identity is expressed through a medium as powerful as language.

So, one of my struggles in India is to not become frustrated or offended as I hear saip littered throughout Malayalam conversations right in from of me or when a child sights me on the street and immediately starts pointing to their parent while saying that dreaded word. Instead, I will try to appreciate that this situation offers me an opportunity to feel the uncomfortableness of being the minority (and believe me, it’s a unique, powerful, and irreplaceable experience) and allows me, in a small way, to be in solidarity with other minorities in the world, especially in my own country, who struggle to escape undesired, painful, divisive labels.

Temple Shenanigans

2008-10-08T06:59:00.006-05:00

There’s something about walking around Kottayam at night that I really like. Last night was even better because it marked the beginning of the Hindu holy days this week, which have to do with the goddess of arts and education. So, I went with a few of my friends to the nearby temple for them to drop off their books to be blessed because no one studies over the next two days. Think of it like an extended Sabbath specifically for academia.

Of course, I’m not allowed to go into the temple, so Geevarghese and I waited outside while I amused myself with taking pictures and video (mostly to record the awesome singing that was coming from the temple) of the goings-on. And because I woke up very early this morning and have already finished reading more of the Bible than I honestly enjoy in one sitting, I gladly present the fruits of my effort: a short video. Enjoy!

Off to the Mountains

2008-10-07T00:12:00.008-05:00

I bet you thought our trip to Cherai Beach was fun, huh? Well guess what, it only got better from there! Achen and Kochamma took us for an overnight trip to Munnar, a small tea plantation town in the mountains along the eastern border of Kerala. Munnar was breathtakingly beautiful and also cold! I don’t remember the last time, I was actually woken up at night from being too cold. We had a great time at the hotel relaxing, visiting a wildlife reserve for tahr (a threatened species of goat), and a tour through a tea factory.

The retreat (considered phase two of our in-country orientation) was really helpful to all of us. Achen has a knack for putting things into perspective. And simply knowing that all the volunteers are struggling with something at their sites, some more than others, is comforting. My challenge is trying to figure out how exactly I can be of the most use here. While the retreat was refreshing, I was really excited to get back to CMS to catch up with the guys and wear my mundu again to breakfast.

Tea plantains from a moving car.

More tea...

Homes in the valley of Munnar.

A tahr.

Fun in the Sun

2008-10-01T20:17:00.001-05:00

After four of us traveled by train to Aluva from Kottayam (largely uneventful, yet successful), the six of us volunteers, Achen, Kochamma, and their niece drove to Cherai Beach , where we hung out for a few hours. Words just don't do the experience justice, so enjoy these pictures instead. And as always, there are loads more pictures to be found on my web album.

Becca and Sudie upon arrival.

Me, pretty excited to be out and about!

Lindsey and Ariel showing off their talents.

Sudie, Becca, and Ariel frolicking!

Goodbye, Mr. Sun.

The whole Team: Lindsey, Me, Sudie, David, Becca, and Ariel.

Woman who can wield a machete like you wouldn't believe.

Me "enjoying" some coconut water/milk.

A Day of Possibilities

2008-09-29T23:57:00.001-05:00

As he rolled out of bed this morning, it felt just like any other Tuesday at CMS. Nothing special was on the schedule today… actually, almost nothing was scheduled. It then occurred to him that this Tuesday was not just another day; instead, it was a Day of Possibilities. “You have to grab DoP’s by the horns and make the most of them,” he had always said. Yes, a Day of Possibilities is something to be treasured and he felt his excitement building as he brushed his teeth.

He went about his initial routine as normal, but noted the surge of confidence he felt. It was nothing abnormal; he felt this way on most DoPs. “Is today the day? Will I actually have the guts to try it?” he asked himself. The fear of what today could bring almost kept him from walking out of the door, but finally, he knew it was time for breakfast. And this breakfast would be special; it would mark the beginning of a new era of his time in Kerala.

It was time… time to step out into the world in a mundu.

Why shouldn’t he? All the other PG Hostel inmates wore them to breakfast and supper. John had even gotten used to wearing this man-skirt around his room and sometimes, only when feeling abnormally brave, on the veranda of the hostel. He reminded himself that he never knew when the next DoP would be; for all he knew this would be the only one God would bestow on him for the entire year! He sure hoped not, but there was truly no way to know.

He walked over to the chair that his mundu usually called home. After taking a deep breath and a long look at it, he seized the sheet-like article of “clothing” that is so special to Keralite men, and wrapped it around his waist, pulling it as tight as possible to minimize the risk of his greatest fear: that it would disloyally leave his waist and fall to the ground as he trekked to breakfast. Yes, it was this Fear of the Mundu, and the resulting embarrassment if the dreaded event were to take place, that had prevented his mundu from seeing the world up to this point.

Upon visiting the other PG Hostel inmates, he resolutely declared his intent to join them in their mundus for breakfast. They all heartily agreed that it was time. After a quick lesson on how to flip the mundu up to make walking easier, it was decided that a picture had to be taken to mark an event as special as this.

To be concise, the morning went off without a hitch. John & Co. successfully made it all the way to the hotel, which includes jumping a rock wall, ate their breakfast (idiyappam and egg curry for John, of course), and made it back to the hostel, after climbing the rock wall again, with all mundus securely attached at the end of the journey.

John soon found that there’s nothing quite as rewarding as conquering the Fear of the Mundu. And to think that so much could be accomplished before 9:00 AM! He looks forward to what the rest of this Day of Possibilities will bring, which will surely include donning the his mundu for supper.

My Humble Abode

2008-09-23T23:48:00.003-05:00

It seems that I’ve now been at CMS over a week… and what a week it has been! The adjustment has gone exceedingly well over all (from my vantage point). After accepting the fact that I am not going to be told what to here, but am left to my own devices to discover how I am to be of use, I’ve enjoyed my time quite a lot.

Most of my time has been spent walking or sitting around meeting new students (all with names I find I am currently incapable of pronouncing) or reading. Now, we were told early on that most YAV’s found themselves reading a sufficient amount, and truth-tellers they are! Since coming here to CMS, I have completed The Shack and The Inheritance of Loss and am currently enjoying Pride and Prejudice.

While both completed novels are worth recommending, I will heartily encourage all readers of this blog to take the time to read The Shack if they have even the most minimal interest in God and the relationship humans share with the Trinity. Even if the book makes plenty of theological assumptions, most of which I agree with, I’m certain that people from any point in the theological spectrum have something to gain from the novel.

Back to my activities… I was thrilled to receive my first “assignment” on Monday, after delivering my (now weekly) message at the English chapel service, which was to edit and help publish the Malayalam-English Order of Worship for Morning Services, which will be used for the three services per week. Wow, a real duty; my ego quite enjoyed the opportunity to feel needed. After 24 hours my editing was complete and I was escorted to CMS Press (run by the local Diocese of the Church of South India) where I was able to view the first printing press in Kerala, brought over by Benjamin Bailey, founder of CMS College, himself in order to print the first Malayalam Bible in the early 19th Century.

On a completely unrelated note, I know there has been concern expressed about my becoming more of a stick figure than I already am while living in India. Let me put these fears to rest: I am eating more here than I ever have in my life (possibly combined). Not only am I eating breakfast, but each meal is huge and a clean plate is expected… and often refilled if a quick “mathi!” is not expressed. So, no fear is required; the John you told goodbye was only half of the John that will return in August.

Of particular interest was the first student strike, of which CMS is particularly famous I’m told, during my stay here. You see, student politics are taken more seriously than you can imagine. I’m still unclear as to the particulars, but suffice it to say there are two parties here at CMS (under the direction of legitimate national parties) who allegedly had some kind of (possibly physical) unfriendly exchange and one party, out of concern that the other would beat them to it, called a strike yesterday morning. Naturally, the professors simply don’t teach and all education halts. It’s as simple as that. Also, I’m told that there is no limit on the amount or frequency in which the strikes are called by the students. Naturally, the other party retaliated with their own strike today… welcome to Kerala!

I finally got around to taking some picture of my room:

Simply, my bed and desk. And that’s only half of the room I was provided with!

Part of my bathroom (separate room for my toilet!). Notice the buckets; one I use for laundry, the other is for drawing hot water, and the cup is to remove the suds after I’m squeaky clean.

Finally Here

2008-09-17T02:59:00.002-05:00

I’ve realized over the last couple weeks, and especially the last three days, just how inadequate the words “thank you” are in expressing the gratitude I feel for the hospitality I’ve been given. I arrived at my site yesterday, with Becca, Lindsey, and Ariel in tow, to find the Principal (think President of a university in the States), my site supervisor, and a close friend of Achen’s ready to greet the four of us with tea and snacks prepared by the Principal’s wife at their house. From that point onward I have been bombarded with undeserved excitement and appreciation for my presence here. I kept saying “thank you” for each expression of hospitality while knowing that it in no way conveyed the depth of my gratitude.

As I was shown around CMS College, I couldn’t help but feel my excitement for being here grow more and more. My supervisor, Gigi Sir, took the entire afternoon to show me around the college and then Kottayam. CMS is an absolutely beautiful, lush campus with old buildings that have so much character. After tea, the first place Gigi Sir escorted us was my room at the Post Graduate (PG) Hostel. As he opened the double doors, I was shocked. My room is at least twice as big as any room I lived in while in college. It comes complete with a separate room for the toilet and shower, shelves galore (including a small, and very much appreciated, library left by the previous volunteer), a couple tables, a bed, and everything else I could ever need. As you can imagine, the other volunteers were a bit envious.

After seeing the other volunteers off as they headed to their sites (one only a few kilometers from me), Gigi Sir took me out to lunch at little hotel (synonymous with restaurant I’ve discovered) that is apparently quite the hit. We then walked around Kottayam for a couple hours buying this and that. Kottayam has everything you could ask for in a small city. It’s not too big and not too small. The college is in the heart of the city (while being remarkably calm and quiet), which has every kind of shop known to man available in walking distance. I was surprised to find that I already feel quite comfortable strolling the streets of this new place.

My day really began after Gigi Sir brought me back to PG Hostel and left me to finish getting situated in my room. After a few minutes, the PG men (studying for their Masters) began dropping by and the laughs haven’t ended since. Because they were so close to the previous volunteer, they’re quite adept in dealing with a spoiled American it seems. After spending a little while getting to know each other, they took me out for coffee at a different hotel. Finally, my first cup of coffee since arriving in India! I don’t know if it was deprivation or that the coffee had a little crack in it, but it may be the best coffee I’ve ever had (and I went back the next day to have more)!

After coffee, we took the long way back to the college, which was a relaxing walk through smaller streets. Back at the hostel, we visited some more and then I went back to the Principal’s house for supper/dinner (depending on what you call it). I was surprised to find that “eating” consisted of driving me over to the Bishop’s house (who wasn’t there unfortunately) and then giving me a night tour of Kottayam. I had a great time and we even picked up some beef curry to add to the meal that his wife was preparing for us back at the house. After picking up the Principal’s daughter from work, we went back and I ate more food that I ever have in one sitting in my entire life.

Since the my first day (I’m on my third as I write this), I’ve enjoyed relaxing, reading, being introduced to the faculty, spending time with the PG guys, eating out, walking here and there, and meeting former students as well. It seems that CMS students feel a real connection to this place even after they’ve graduated; I’ve possibly met as many alum as I have current students. While being away from the volunteers has unveiled a little homesickness, I’m really coming to enjoy my time here and it’s only the beginning!

One last note: I don’t have any pictures yet because the idea of walking around with a camera taking photos of this and that is a little touristy for my liking right now. But don’t worry, you’ll get pictures of this beautiful place soon enough. Also, from here on out updates will probably be less frequent seeing as my priority is to focus on being here, but I'll be sure to update a reasonable amount.

Silverware, Hot Water, and Toilet Paper

2008-09-14T05:55:00.004-05:00

Tea time (around 4:00 pm) is by far my favorite part of the day. I'm actually anticipating it as I type. Achen and Kochamma had some engagements to attend, so us volunteers have used the time ever-so-productively... to nap. My nap was perfectly refreshing by the way. However later I'll be packing which won't be nearly as much fun as napping.

Before I get into my upcoming plans, let's backtrack a little. First topic: Culture Shock. Wow! Not what I was expecting. At orientation we were given a lovely little chart that mapped out the general path of highs and lows volunteers experience over the year. It did not apply to me apparently. Instead of beginning in the "Honeymoon" phase, I'm pretty sure I just went into the "Unnecessarily Anxious" phase. Now, before you all go panicking, I'm much more centered again and already beginning to fall in love with this new place.

Now, in defense of my anxiety, India is quite different from home in many respects. For instance, not including my fellow volunteers, I've seen four white people over the last week and a half in a country of over 1 billion. From the moment we stepped into the Bahrain airport, we have been the extreme minority. I'm sharing this in no way to define India by ethnic categories, but to illustrate the difference I've felt as a white male from a region of minimal diversity and limited cross-cultural experiences, which is why I applied to the program in the first place; to expand my world-view and attempt to experience life as the "other." It was unnerving at first, but has shown me a lot about what it must feel like for minorities in the States. I can already begin to see that this year is really going to teach me a lot about myself and where I come from.

I'm excited to go to my site, which I leave for tomorrow via a van ride of unknown length. But seeing as it is two hours from Aluva to Kottayam by train, I'm thinking it may take longer to travel by car. Anyway, I'll finally have my own space and such, which will help with the stress of all the "new" I'm experiencing. As my parents can tell you, my morning routine is usually to grab a cup of coffee before running off and spending a couple of hours by myself. I haven't been able to do that because of the other volunteers who are so fun that I can't tear my self away from them. And I'm not even being sarcastic ladies and gentlemen; I'm really going to miss them when we're all at our sites. Luckily, Becca's site is only four kilometers from mine so we may be able to visit each other occasionally. The point is, I'm looking forward to feeling a little more settled in. I feel like I'm finally approaching what I've been looking forward to all these months and I can't wait to share with all of you how it goes.

Over this weekend, two English professors, Jacko and Anne, were nice enough to come and stay in Aluva with the intent of talking to us about each of our sites and giving tips on how to teach conversational English. They are simply two of the most amazing people I've ever met and have been sources of invaluable knowledge. And their son, Steve, is quite the hoot! I'm at a loss for words to explain the joy this little guy has brought us. Between this family and Achen and Kochamma, I already feel like I'm building a meaningful support network here.

Steve and I after juice.

So, I will leave you with a few things I've already learned to live without:

Silverware: The use of my right hand as the means of getting food into my mouth is becoming less and less challenging and more and more fun. Don't worry, I'll be requiring everyone at home to do it for at least one meal. You've been warned.
Hot water: Ok, I'm having a little more trouble with this one. I've always been convinced that to get clean I have to look like a tomato when I get out of the shower. However, in a climate with 200% humidity (simply my own estimate) cold water is actually the more refreshing choice.
Toilet paper: Oh, yes, I've already "switched over" as us volunteers refer to it. I think we all have at this point. I'd like to refrain from providing the entire world with details on the subject, but I will tell you it really isn't so bad.

Happy Onam!

2008-09-12T07:18:00.008-05:00

So, I've now been in India for over a week and what a journey it has been. I still don't feel like I'm at a place to adequately process the events of the last week, but for the sake of those following my journey, I will try!

I'll begin with the logistics: After we were picked up from the airport, we moved into our rooms at Thomas John Achen and Betty Kochamma's house in Aluva, a suburb of Cochin. Their beautiful, green-ish house is situated at the end of a tiny little street with plenty of plant life all around (pretty typical for lush Kerala). Upon arrival we dumped out luggage in our rooms and explore the house a little before taking a power nap. Needless to say, power naps don't really help those with jet lag all that much. The good news: I think I've gotten over the jet lag at this point.

So, since September 4, the date of our invasion into India, we have been spending a lot of time at Achen's house getting oriented mostly. A large part of that orientation is food, a wild assortment of curries and crazy things made out of rice that actually taste pretty amazing when you're open to it.

We wake up each morning to a huge breakfast (which is difficult for someone who has never been fond of that particular meal), which leads into Bible study with Achen. But wait, there's more! Before Bible study, we are "blessed" with the opportunity to sing hymns as a small, yet endearing, a cappela group. Now I must admit, I've actually become quite fond of this moment in our day and found myself excited about it this morning.

Bible study itself has been simply amazing. Achen's insights into how Jesus' humanity requires us to take action in the world and actually strive to make changes to systems that only make peoples lives more difficult are eye opening to say the least.

After Bible study we usually have some kind of discussion on a variety of topics pertaining to the new culture we're living in. We have a little free time and then off to lunch we go. Nap time follows lunch, although most of the volunteers don't actually utilize this time as well as we could. Then we usually have another session in the afternoon on Malayalam or something else. Tea time, one of my favorite parts of the day, blesses us around 4:00 and then supper at 8:00, but not before some free time that we use to explore a little around town.

One of the spectacular activities we got to do one afternoon, was to go ride elephants at a training training center about an hour away. Let me tell you, elephants are tall! But fortunately, we took it a little slowly. I was under the impression that I would majestically climb up its leg and slide down its trunk. But alas, they were fully equipped with a platform atop a ladder. Not as impressive as I imagine, but safer nonetheless. But not only are elephants tall, they are also a little rough. I'll never take for granted the ease of riding horses after that experience.

Baby Elephant... not the one we rode.

Me, Sudie, and Ariel atop the 30 year old elephant whose name I've forgotten.

Another exciting activity is Onam, originally a Hindu festival, has become the "Christmas" of Kerala (in the sense that everyone celebrates with a vegetarian feast and other festivities. The most thrilling aspect of today's holiday is the pookalam, or flower carpets, outside of people's homes and businesses. They are meticulously arranged, ornate designs made almost entirely of flower pedals.

A pookalam done at a retirement home (Sudie's site).

Until next time (which shouldn't be long)! And don't forget to visit my web album, where more pictures are being published.

The ladies hanging a little laundry on the balcony.

The Arrival

2008-09-07T22:15:00.004-05:00

Well, it looks like I made it! I will tell you that the journey was absolutely exhausting and it took days to adjust. I'm still not sleeping at night like i'd like to, but it's getting better and better.

Seeing as I've only been here for five days, it feels like attempting to put words to the entire experience would be a little premature. So, I've decided to instead do a little photo entry for now:

Some Northern Ireland and India YAVs waiting at the Louisville Airport to fly to Chicago.

My passport wallet which was lost for an hour in O'Hare. Terrifying experience!

The India YAVs (minus David) made it past Customs! (Clockwise: Me, Ariel, Rebbecca, Lindsey, Sudie)

Other YAVs in front of us in their taxi.

Front of Achen and Kochamma's house. Notice 2nd floor balcony!

Traditional lunch we were served at Aluva Blind School.

Rubber farm outside of Sudie's placement in Aluva.

Indian sunset.

Yoga in the morning with Ariel, me, and Sudie.

T Minus 1 Day

2008-08-25T08:47:00.000-05:00

Today is basically my last day at home since I'm flying out at 7:00 am tomorrow for Louisville. So, I don't really count tomorrow as being home seeing as I'll be barely coherent at such an early hour.

I'm am still absolutely thrilled, but I have been experiencing a healthy amount of sadness/pre-nastalogia over the last couple days. When cleaning my room on Saturday, I felt the first pang of sadness at the fact that I'm leaving. In the past, when I've been moving, I would wash all my clothes and then pack them. This time, I washed them and put them away in my closet.

I'm definitely leaving a lot more, material and immaterial, behind this time. It finally hit me that, no, this isn't going to be like another year at Schreiner. I will miss my family, friends, and comforts of home more, but the reward will also be greater. The final goodbyes have been good and not too depressing. I think most people understand that this is something I'm really looking forward to. (Although I have had to remind a few people I'm not on my death bed!)

It still hasn't "hit" me that I'm moving to India because, frankly, I can't really picture myself there yet. The idea of India, after all my reading, still seems so distant. A past volunteer assured me that this is normal, so I'm not concerned, I just hope that when it sets in, it's overwhelming in a positive way.

Speaking of overwhelming, this Sunday, my last day at Bethel Presbyterian for a while, was perfect. Even if there was a random barn dance song during the offering, it only made it more "Bethel." Jim, my pastor, did a very casual (much to my appreciation) commisioning of sorts. I keep telling people, but it really does mean so much to me to feel as supported as I do.

Of Special Note

2008-08-18T12:27:00.002-05:00

My mouth is unbelievably numb right now.

I just had a pseudocavity filled. I am glad to report that it was technically a defect in my enamel and something I had little to do with. After the first round of anesthetic, my nerves were still very much awake! I informed my dentist of this and she graciously shot my gums up with some more juice. The downside is the fact that my mouth feels like it's about 12.7 lbs. (and I hear the human head is only 8).

Other than this slight uncomfortableness, my life is moving along quite well. I just bought some thank you notes so that I can knock all of them out this afternoon. I ordered a new Bible for India, The Discipleship Study Bible, which is not only an NRSV translation, but also has "a concentration on social justice - acts of Christian care and concern for all God’s people and God’s entire world." How perfect is that? I also got my absentee registration form to vote today. Haven't exactly filled it out, but it's a start.

To backtrack a bit, sushi on Friday night went quite well. Except for the fact that I'm disturbed by the size of each piece that is required to go into my mouth. My brother, his wife, and I went to Kubo's in Houston and I ate quite the assortment. Of special note was tuna, salmon, yellowtail, masago, and whitefish (all raw) as well as eel and softshell crab (cooked). I'm not a sushi fan by any means yet, but I did enjoy the experience and would love to have more as an appetizer or something. But eating is as an entire meal may have been a little intense for the first experience.

Saturday was equally as exciting. About thirty relatives (mostly my mom's side) came for a kind of good bye party. I got to see one of my favorite cousins, Nikki, which is always exciting and got to see quite of few others that I don't routinely see. And yesterday, church was amazingly refreshing. For the last few Sunday's I've been gone to either Dallas, Junction, or Louisiana and missed my Bethel quite a bit. Every time I go back to Bethel I am reminded of what a special place it is.

Well, I'm off to attempt to eat some soup (as I haven't eaten all day) and get back to preparing for a little place called India.

Antsiness

2008-08-15T16:50:00.000-05:00

With only 11 days to go and (simultaneously) not nearly enough and plenty to do, I find myself feeling mixed emotions. I've reached a point of "antsiness" because half of me is ready to board a Kochi-bound plane tomorrow, while the other half feels overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done.

Most of my goodbyes have been said (other than close family) and the majority of my shopping is done. However, I seem to remember new things that need to be done everyday. None of them too big to tackle, but not small enough to ignore. Of particular note is the amount of reading I still need to complete and the unwritten thank you notes haunting me.

So, what am I doing tonight? Going to a sushi bar for the first time. And I'm pretty excited about it. I'll let you know how it goes!

Why I Opted Out

2008-08-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

Summer of Goodbyes

2008-08-13T13:40:00.000-05:00

Well, it seems I am nearing the end of my Summer of Goodbyes. At times it felt as if this point would never come. And at others, I wished I could have slowed its approach. Overall, I feel I struck a good balance between preparing for India, just relaxing, and visiting people to say goodbye. Remarkably, I never felt bored, which is a definite sign of growth for me. There were times when I felt a little too unproductive and uninspired, but in the end, the Summer was what it was and now that I find myself here, I'm ready for my next journey: possibly my greatest to date.

Here are a few visual highlights of my last few months...

1/12 of a Year

2008-07-26T10:07:00.001-05:00

Today marks a month until I leave Houston for Louisville to begin YAV orientation. August 26 will be an important day because it really will be goodbye to my family; I plan on leaving my cell phone at home so that I won't be distracted at orientation as we were told that it's at orientation that our YAV year really begins. I feel like this last month will be pretty critical to my preparation as a YAV. I need to finish the reading list, buy the things I still need, pack!, and prepare metally and emotionally for saying goodbye and uprooting myself.

Chasity, a long time friend of mine, emailed me recently and said, "So, tell me: What're you getting excited about and what are you getting nervous about?" So, I thought it would be fitting to include my response on my blog:

Great questions! Well, hmmmm, I'm excited about moving away from anyone I know (not totally true as I've already become close to one of the other volunteers, but still, I didn't know them before). That was scary when I went to Schreiner, but it worked out great in the end. I love building new relationships and it's simply awesome for that to be my 'job.' I'm excited about focusing on my relationship with God more than I have recently. One of my goals is to read the Bible all the way through (maybe not in order) before I come back. I feel like we all should anyway, but I think it would give me an interesting perspective to read it while in a foreign country, especially one where people are struggling at a different level than we are. I'm excited about being exposed to social justice issues that I already care about, but will now have faces to put with the issues. I also think this will be really hard, but good for growth and such. I'm honestly most excited about learning the things that I'm not anticipating because I just don't know. I love the mystery. Oh, and having tea every afternoon.

I'm scared about not being good enough at what is asked of me. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle some things. That something that everyone else is fine with (think scary situations) may be too much for me. I doubt this will really happen, because I'm going into it with a pretty adventurous attitude and a real desire to learn and experience new things. But, really, I'm not that scared. I think I should almost be more nervous. I was more nervous about the idea of going to Guatemala than I am actually knowing I'm going to India, so I think that's a good thing. Maybe I will become more nervous as I get on the plane and such, but it's difficult to feel nervous about something that feels so right.

Fare Thee Well

2008-07-25T20:53:00.002-05:00

I've had quite the week. Last Friday I began my Farewell Tour (think retiring rock star) when I left Brazoria for Dallas, where I stayed with an old friend from high school. We had a great time even if we stayed up a little late for my liking. The most exciting part was meeting all of her friends, who I really enjoyed. They were a varied bunch and served for great people watching and intelligent conversation.

On Monday morning I left the big city for Winnsboro, an adorable little town where my friend Hannah grew up. This visit was bittersweet as the purpose was to say goodbye to someone I've become very close to over the last couple years. However, we managed to forget about having to say goodbye until the last minute. Until that time, I had a wonderfully relaxing week.

Her and her brother's friends would come over each day and we would hang around chatting and relaxing. Most of the time we would find ourselves on the porch of Hannah's 1907-built house with picturesque porch swings (one of which was sadly broken, and consequently repaired, during the festivities). It was just what I needed to wind down before the last leg of India preparations.

After waking up, packing, showering, drinking my coffee, having breakfast (shocking, right?), and saying goodbye this morning, I had a 7 hour drive from the Boro to Junction, where I spoke at the closing of First Pres.' Vacation Bible School about what it means to serve Jesus (using India as an example).

The drive was awesome because it took me mostly through back roads which winded through tiny towns. Some felt sad and desperate, while others seemed to overflow with new life. I also listened to some new and old favorite albums.

So, now I'm staying at my mentors' (Jim and Laurie Barker) house until Sunday, when I will speak at their two churches in order to ask one for support in India and thank the other. I will then be heading to Kerrville on Sunday for the final leg of my Farewell Tour.

Hannah and Me

True Story

2008-07-25T20:52:00.001-05:00

Two young friends, recently brought together again by the cross-state trip of the man, enter a Brazilian restaurant around 11:00 PM. Because it is a pleasant night in Dallas, the two decide to sit outside. Having already received their menus from the host, they begin catching up on each other's lives as they peruse the rather eclectic offerings of the coffee bar/restaurant hybrid.

Before long, a waiter, dressed in oversized shorts with long, purplish-red hair, approaches and, in a laid back voice that suggests he could be altered by substances not yet legal in the US, asks for their drink orders. The man orders a water and the woman follows suite and adds a chorizo queso to the ticket. As he walks away, they pick up their conversation where they left off, quickly realizing that although they haven't lived near each other since high school, they are still kindred spirits.

Not long after, a quirky blonde approaches and politely offers to take the two's drink order. However, they quickly assure her that they have been taken care of. The friends continue catching up on each others lives. Not much has changed, but they both do poorly when it comes to keeping in touch. At about the same time, the two look at each other and then towards the door and then back at each other. The man asks, "Where are our drinks?"

Not too worry though, the waiter begins approaching with drinks. However, the two are astonished when he stops and places them on the table closest to them. The friends are slightly irritated, but are in no hurry so they resume their conversation. Before long the waiter walks in their direction again and this time actually stops at their table... with empty hands. The friends glance at each other briefly.

The waiter innocently asks, "Has anyone gotten your drink order?" The two are astonished. For what seemed like forever, the friends stared at each other, both knowing this was the same waiter that previously took their drink order. The boy said, "You...," and the girl muttered an extended "uhh." They continued to look back and forth from each other to the waiter for an inappropriate length of time.

The man thought to himself that this had to be one of the most hilariously awkward moments of his life. At a loss for words, the man simply smirked as his friend re-ordered their drinks and queso. The waiter assured him that he would have the drinks right out, never realizing this was the second time he had received the exact same order.

The two friends had a difficult time eating through their laughter.

Where I Stand

2008-07-17T14:01:00.001-05:00

My last post about the progress of my India preparations was written amidst my coffee hiatus. I will try to bring you up to speed from there.

I am glad to report that my kidneys are being damaged by coffee again on a daily basis. After a week of 3 urinalyses, the doctor felt certain that I was fine and signed off on my physical. I am scarred by the experience, but steadily recovering.

Last month I visited the local health clinic to mooch off the government and get as many of these shots for free as possible. I scored. After only thirty minutes, I walked out having had 4 shots (Tetanus, Meningitis, Hepatitis A, and Hepatitis B) and with very little pain.

Last week I visited the Baylor Travel Medicine clinic in Houston (not free!) where the Travel Nurse was quite effective in convincing my mom that I would catch Malaria. No, she wasn't that bad, but it doesn't take much to worry dear mom. I left that lovely office (it was quite nice) with only two puncture wounds (Polio, and Hepatitis A/B combined for comfort).

I am now through being poked by needles. I expected the count to be much higher, but counting the aforementioned shots, TB skin test, and blood work, I was only damaged eight times. It would have been more had I not elected to not get the Rabies pre-exposure series or the Japanese Encephalitis shot and not chosen to take Typhoid orally. The point is: other than a dentist appointment, I'm done with all things medical regarding India.

The other aspects of preparation have been quite humbling. After feeling pretty confident about where some funds were going to come from last month, I was quite shocked to see it didn't come so easily. After a fair amount of panic, I found that everything worked out and came from unexpected places. I think to fully appreciate people's generosity, I had to be beaten down a bit and learn a little patience.

The other disaster was the visa. Quite the piece of work that visa. After getting my passport rushed back in May, I was feeling productive and decided to go ahead and apply for my one year visa. Mistake. You see, my visa came back with "Date of Expiry: 18-JUN-2009" written so gently upon it. Like a thief in the night. It appear the year I'm allowed doesn't begin upon arrival. Oh, no; the expiration is one year from the date the visa is processed. Seeing as I am not planning on leaving India until ??-AUG-2009, we had a problem. The only solution, pay even more money to replace it with a 5 year visa. So, now I have my visa ready to go and I can even visit India again before 02-JUL-2013 if I see fit. It all worked out, just not as I intended. Such a tricky one, that God.

So, where are we now? Well, it seems I've gotten all my paperwork in to the PC(USA) and just need to focus on reading and packing for the next 6 weeks. I'd like to point out that it hasn't really hit me yet that I'll be moving to the other side of the world in the time that it takes elementary students to get their next report cards.

However, I am leaving tomorrow for what I'm calling the Farewell Tour. I'll be visiting various friends and mentors in Dallas, Winnsboro, Junction, and Kerrville over the next couple weeks. Should be fun!

CMS College

2008-07-17T13:25:00.001-05:00

On June 30 I was thrilled to see my inbox had been graced by my an email containing my specific site placement in India. I had gotten the impression that there were only about two possible sites for men and I had begun leaning toward one. I anxiously opened it to find I had been placed at CMS College, my top choice.

The following information was included in the email:

The work assignment can include possible tasks from those below:
Engaging a few classes on areas like developing communication skills, creative writing and media.
Involving in student activities like film club, English chit –chat club, nature club and other interested fields.
Associating with College Chapel service, Bible study groups and college choir.
Associating with college magazine.
Visiting churches and associating with youth groups on week ends.
Visiting Boy’s Home at Kanam, near Kottayam
Visiting homes of students and staff and get a clear understanding of the community around.
Any other area that the volunteer may come across, and would like to associate with.
Accommodation: staying in the postgraduate student's hostel/dormitory with a bath/toilet attached private room for oneself and eating with the students.

Words and phrases including, "creative writing... film club... nature club... Bible study groups... visiting churches... visiting Boy’s Home... visiting homes of students... any other area... and private room," where of particular excitement. And we're just going to gloss over the part that suggested I may be singing. I'm also looking forward to working with people who are essentially my peers. I'm excited to discover the nuances within the similarities and differences of life for Indians that are my age.

Naturally I looked to Wikipedia to jump start my research of CMS. It is a (now) co-ed college began by missionaries in 1817. One site called it the first college in India and another just said Kerala. Either way, it has a lot of history. The college also boasts an impressive list of alumni and appears to be quite prestigious. I'm glad that I wasn't able to find too much information on it as there will be plenty mystery surrounding my new home upon arrival in September.

The 60,000 population town of Kottayam that CMS calls home also seems like a unique place. Not only is it home to the first printing press in Kerala, it was the first city in India to achieve 100% literacy. That is huge! I'm fairly certain a few towns surrounding me in my beloved Texas haven't achieved that. Another point of interest is that the Kottayam District (think county) is 45.83% Christian, coming in just under Hinduism. This is very unique to the country which is only 2.3% Christian. These statistics simply speak to the pluralistic society found in Kerala. A society I hope to learn from in order to have on new outlook on the wounds that we have here in the States between denominations.

All in all, I'm now even more energized about my upcoming year, which I anticipate will be full of challenges and blessings.

"Just One More Chicken"

2008-07-17T11:38:00.002-05:00

The following is my first sermon. I preached it at my home church, Bethel Presbyterian Church, East Columbia, TX, on July 13, 2008. It is by far the most memorable and meaningful Sunday of my life.

Good morning, Bethel. Before I begin, I’d like to tell you a little about my journey to this moment. During my last year at Schreiner I passed up multiple preaching opportunities. One for the church I interned at and another for my Campus Minister’s weekly chapel service. My reasons for not being able to preach were mostly petty half-truths such as, “Oh, I really don’t have the time to put in the preparation it deserves.” The truth is I had high hopes for this first sermon (And a few of you have told me you do as well… No pressure there!). So when I met with Jim back in May to discuss my upcoming year of service in India, I said, “You know, I’m really not doing a whole lot this summer, so if you have anything you could use help with let me know.” Well, he let me know without missing a beat. “Would you like to preach,” he said connivingly. And before I could stop my tongue, I heard myself say, “Sure!”

It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I offered, but the truth is, the highest hope that I have always had for this first sermon was that it would be here at Bethel. No group of people has had more of an influence on the choices I’ve made that have brought me here in front of you.

I would say it began in Sunday School with teachers like Barbara, Cheri, Donna, Marj, and Lynn who let me run my mouth (and they can all attest to that), and continued on from the opportunities to read scripture during worship… to the experience of being the Youth Representative to the Session… to the financial support and care packages throughout college… and now to the absolutely overwhelming support for going into the ministry beginning with volunteering in India. I sincerely thank you not only for allowing me to preach today, but also for everything you’ve all done to bring me to this point in my life. There is no one else I would rather share this moment with.

So, a few weeks ago I found myself back in Jim’s office to discuss what crazy ideas I might have for a sermon. I shared a little with him and he said the advice he got after his first sermon was, “That was great, Jim, but just tell us what you believe.” So, my first thought at hearing this second-hand advice: Well that’s simple. Me being a great Presbyterian and all, I’ll just recite the Apostle’s Creed 16 times. And while that would get me to my goal of 12 minutes, I’m afraid a few of you may see it as a copout or “unoriginal.”

But in all seriousness, that’s what I hope to do today. To simply tell you what I believe instead of attempting to wow you with every bit of knowledge I acquired over the last 21 years.

In that same meeting, Jim loaned me a book, What’s Right with the Church, written by William H. Willimon in 1985 and published by Harper & Row. If there is one thing I learned in college, it is to cite your sources! In that book, I found this story, recorded by a pastor, a conversation between himself and someone you could say is a little critical of the Church:

“‘You know, Preacher Will, that Church of yours and Mr. Jesus is like an Easter chicken my little Karen got one time. Man it was a pretty thing. Dyed a deep purple. Bought it at the grocery store.’

I interrupted that white was liturgical color for Easter but he ignored me. ‘And it served a real useful purpose. Karen loved it. It made her happy. And that made me and her Mamma happy. Okay?’

I said, ‘Okay.’

‘But pretty soon that baby chicken started feathering out. You know, sprouting little pin feathers. Wings and tail and all that. And you know what? Them new feathers weren’t purple. No sirree bob, that darn chicken wasn’t really purple at all. That chicken was a Rhode Island Red. And when all them little red feathers started growing out from under that purple it was one hell of a sight. All of a sudden Karen couldn’t stand that chicken anymore.’

‘I think I see what you’re driving at…’

‘No, hell no, Preacher Will. You don’t understand any such thing for I haven’t got to my point yet.’

‘Okay, I’m sorry, Rave on.’

‘Well, we took that half-purple and half-red thing out to her Grandma’s house and threw it in the chicken yard with all the other chickens. It was still different , you understand. And the other chickens knew it was different. And they resisted it like hell. Pecked it, chased it all over the yard. Wouldn’t have anything to do with it. Wouldn’t even let it get on the roost with them. And that little chicken knew it was different too. It didn’t bother any of the others. Wouldn’t fight back or anything. Just stayed by itself. Really suffered too. But little by little, day by day, that chicken came around. Pretty soon, even before all the purple grew off it, while it was still a little bit different, that darn thing was behaving just about like the rest of them chickens. Man, it would fight back, peck the hell out of the ones littler than it was, knock them down to catch a bug if it got to it in time. Yes sirree bob, the chicken world turned that Easter chicken around. And now you can’t tell one chicken from another. They’re all just alike. The Easter chicken is just one more chicken. There ain’t a darn thing different about it.’

I knew he wanted to argue and I didn’t want to disappoint him.

‘Well… the Easter chicken is still useful. It lays eggs, doesn’t it?’

It was what he wanted me to say. ‘Yea, Preacher Will. It lays eggs. But they all lay eggs. Who needs an Easter Chicken for that? And the Rotary Club serves coffee. And the 4-H Club says prayers. The Red Cross takes up offerings for hurricane victims. Mental Health does counseling, and the Boy Scouts have Youth Programs.’”

Now before the Session calls a special meeting and takes away any potential India funding, I will say that I wouldn’t classify Bethel as an Easter chicken. But isn’t there a large bit of truth to this man’s point? If other non-profit organizations are accomplishing the same goals as churches, and sometimes more effectively, is the church living up to its call?

I want to read you Romans 12:2 again, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God – what is good and acceptable and perfect.” This verse speaks to us about the concept of using discernment to recognize a call from God. The concept of call has become a large aspect of my relationship with God over the last few years. From the decision to go into the ministry to applying to the Young Adult Volunteer program…

One thing I’ve learned about call is that it is ever changing. It isn’t a onetime packet God sends you, including color coordinated tabs and timelines, that maps out your life as your Lord would have it. Instead, discernment is an ongoing process that not only includes God, but also one another in an effort to constantly listen for what the Lord would ask of us. One fatal mistake is naively believe that we’ve got it right. That we’re doing all we could. The truth is, we’re human, and the chance that we have no room for improvement is pretty slim. We must never be content with our actions or our world. Instead, we must keep this conversation with God open.

If each of God’s children has a call, does the Church itself not also have a call? And if so what is it? Another verse, Micah 6:8, has a lot of meaning for me. Not only was it my Campus Ministry’s motto in college, but it was also chosen to guide the General Assembly of the PC(USA) last month in San Jose, CA. It reads, “But what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.” It seems all to obvious that the Church has a responsibility to not become content with the status quo, but to remain constantly vigilant as to what is going on in the world. A world that the Church is surely a part of.

And certainly the Church’s role should not be that of an observer. Instead the role as an active advocate for all of God’s people seems more appropriate. While justice can be about court room cases, more importantly it is about achieving equality among all of God’s children from East Columbia, Texas to Kottayam, India. While kindness can be about manners and thoughtful cards, it is maybe more importantly about showing mercy and forgiveness to those we don’t feel deserve it. And while Bethel may be praised for its stained glassed windows and beautiful buildings that seem to be filled with a wedding each Saturday, it is the humility of the members that God would praise.

The task God has put before us is not simple, instead it is a three-fold call that requires balance that is no small feat to achieve. Finding that balance will require the constant renewal of each of our minds through prayer and conversation with one another.

So Bethel, as we leave today, I ask you one thing…

How will we not fall into the trap of being just one more chicken, but continue to do justice, and love kindness, and walk humbly with our God?

Amen.

The following is an excerpt from an email written to my campus minister the evening that I preached. I feel it best encapsulates my immediate thoughts after my first experience of preaching.

It went amazingly!! I felt absolutely calm and at peace behind the pulpit. Neither my hands nor voice shook, my heart didn't beat to fast, my legs didn't feel weak. I just felt calm and confident. It felt right. That's the only thing I know to say right now. And they clapped (and they aren't clappers at all!). It was overwhelming. I loved it. And I'm totally drained.

Letting Go

2008-07-17T11:37:00.002-05:00

When I began this blog, my intention was that it would become a safe place for me to express my thoughts as I reflected on various aspects of my life. I wanted to explore those things that deeply matter to me. I have failed.

Looking back on my recent posts, I see that I became frightened. I expected that come September this blog would be visited by various people hoping to keep up with my adventures in India, many of whom would disagree with my political, religious, and or social views, which are tightly linked. My response? Instead of sharing my thoughts on significant world events that matter to me, I chronicled my (often boring) day-to-day life only at a surface level.

I realized over the course of the past month that I too often, in the hope of maintaining peaceful relations, censor myself around those that I disagree with. As an open and honest person, I am troubled deeply by this injustice I'm doing to myself and others. I am tired of holding back.

I feel that we all have the responsibility, as citizens of a global society, to speak out about what we see as injustices or to praise efforts we feel are making a positive impact on people's lives. This revelation became even more clear to me as I prepared my first sermon over the past two weeks. After some effort, I was able to let go and proclaim to the congregation what I truly believed God was telling me. I didn't let fear of disagreement become a roadblock to what I saw as the truth.

I now hope to reclaim this blog as a place where I will step outside of my comfort zone in an effort to vocalize what I am bothered, excited, and moved by in the world. I will naturally continue to inform people about what I am up to, but never at the expense of a deeper honesty.

Quickie

2008-06-02T07:42:00.002-05:00

So, I'm back in Kerrville for a couple of days after my weekend spent in Austin. I had a good time in Austin with four of my friends at my pseudo-belated-birthday-celebration. There was a lot of good food!

And now I'm hanging out in Kerrville until tomorrow! I thought I'd write a short blog to get my back into the swing of things since I've been a failure at posting the last couple weeks. However, I've taken a lot of pictures on my new camera so that should help motivate me as I'll have a jumping off point to update about my life.

Until then, don't do drugs!

Whining about coffee withdrawal... again!

2008-05-20T07:07:00.002-05:00

Ughh...

So, the lab i went in for yesterday came back on the quick test as having a trace of protein, a TRACE! That means immeasurable! And then on the thorough test it said negative which is perfectly normal. Yet, I still can't have coffee until Wednesday because they'd like to do another test just to make sure.

When I had my blood drawn for the physical among other things they checked my kidneys and it came back normal but yet, no coffee. It's not even that I have to go back Wednesday, because I have to anyway for my TB skin test to be read, it's simply the fact that coffee and I like each other quite a bit, and absence has certainly made the heart grow fonder here.

So, I realize this is pretty ridiculous and whiny, but like I told a friend, coffee is my one unhealthy habit, and it's really not even that bad compared to some other choices, and I'm owning it!

Now that I've vented, I'm going to go read. So, good morning (and if you're drinking coffee, I possibly hate you).

Caffeine is like a crazy ex-girlfriend!

2008-05-19T08:58:00.004-05:00

I haven't had coffee for the past three mornings and it sucks. What also sucks is that since getting stuck on dial-up at home, I haven't blogged.

As you know, I moved home last Sunday, but it wasn't until it hit me that I've been feeling so out of whack for a week that I decided to unpack and organize my life. So, here I sit in my newly organized room with Henry sleeping in my old, comfy chair.

I'm going to the doctor today at 1:00 for the followup to my previous physical (on Friday) because I drank coffee Friday morning, which messed up one of my labs. I think I have to deal with needles today as well. I've dealt with amazing caffeine headaches each day around noon and will be getting a cup of coffee immediately after my appointment today!

I found out that among the other shots I have to get to go to India, I also have to get the Hep A and B series which I failed to get in high school. I also have to get a TB skin test, today I believe. Now, I'm not terribly afraid of needles but I also don't exactly look forward to them either. Oh well, it'll all be worth it so I ca have my little adventure!

I had a good chat with my brother about my upcoming year and he was really supportive and seems to think that it will be really good for me. That made me feel pretty confident as he has traveled much more than anyone else in my family.

Now that I've gotten my books organized onto my bookshelf, I'll be working on my summer reading list, which will be ridiculously long. I'm excited but I also hope that I make the time to read all the books that I want to. I'm thinking one pre week. We'll see.

Oh, and I really miss high speed internet.

Finally

2008-05-13T09:21:00.002-05:00

I feel back to my normal self.

Here's a whirlwind update: Wednesday my parents arrived and we had dinner. Thursday my aunt, uncle, and cousin arrived, I packed, and we ate more food. Friday I moved out of my apartment and my great aunt and uncle arrived. On Saturday another aunt, my brother, his wife, and my nephew arrived and I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Religion from Schreiner University. 11 family members were there (actually 12 if you count Henry). Sunday we all drove back to the Gulf Coast and my mom got to pick out spatulas from Williams-Sonoma for mothers day in San Antonio. Yesterday I hung out with my nephew and sister-in-law and we tried to run but both of us were pretty out of shape and Josh was fussy.

So here I am. And this is how I feel: It feels so good to be done with college. I'm not super depressed, not really even sad. I love my time at Schreiner and I know it's immeasurably important as far as who I have become, but it was time for me to move on.

The weekend itself was a little overwhelming with trying to keep friends, family, and dogs all happy at once which is why I'm relieved all of the hooplah is complete. Graduation itself was pretty cool and the only time I got choked up was when I hugged all of my professors.

I am excited about moving back home for the summer as I think it will be good for me and there is a lot I want to accomplish as far as reading, writing, running, sleeping, eating, and visiting. Today I'm going to send off for my new passport.

So, after a week of feeling out of sync with myself, I can tell I'm starting to click again and I'm excited about it.

Almost

2008-05-07T17:06:00.004-05:00

I just got done with graduation rehearsal where it started becoming real. I'm very excited but also very stressed as well. None of my grades have come in (although I'm not really at any risk), I haven't started packing, I have lots of "goodbyes" to get done, and my parents will be here within the hour.

At the same time, it's all very manageable and I feel very lucky to be here. Last night the three Presbyterian Religion majors that are graduating had dinner with our internship mentors and campus minister at a faculty member's (and friend to all of us) house. It was so much fun, relaxing, and comfortable. Over dinner we talked about our best memories from Schreiner, which was really neat to discuss.

While there, my mentor told me that I needed to come to the two churches that he and his wife co-pastor and speak to the Session (governing elders for you non-Presbies) about sponsoring part of my $10,000 that I have the pleasure of raising over the summer to go to India. I actually only need $2,500 by July 15 and the rest by next July, when I come home. But, I'd really like to be done raising money before I leave in August.

So, I'm really looking forward to next week when I'll start preparing for India logistically. On Monday I will send off for my passport and Thursday I have a doctors appointment for a physical that I'm required to undergo. I also hope to meet with my home pastor to discuss my home church's sponsorship. Basically, I'm trying to hit the ground running this summer so that I don't get bored, am prepared for India (as much as that is possible), and have time to relax before I leave. I also have a lot of reading to do and plan on beginning to run again.

Wow, I'm just looking forward to being home as that means I'll have closed this book in my life's anthology instead of hanging onto the epilogue.

Pro Crastinator

2008-05-04T18:35:00.003-05:00

Everything I do falls into three categories: required, fulfilling, and distracting.

Required activities are those that I must do for one reason or another. For example, my history final that is due in the morning.

Fulfilling activities are those that recharge me are help me to grow in someway. For example, reading a stimulating book or taking a drive.

Distracting activities are my favorite. Distracting activities are those things that I do that are mindless and really leaving me feeling no better about anything in life other than I wasted time.

I typically participate in distracting activities before giving in and completing required activities so that I can then enjoy fulfilling activities. For example, I am writing this blog and will then eventually write my final and then read a good book and fall asleep.

Missy

2008-05-04T09:44:00.002-05:00

This is the video for Where I Stood by Missy Higgins from On a Clear Night.

I just found her about a week ago and all I can say is her music makes me want to cry. She's awesome and Australian, which makes her even more awesome.

Enjoy!

The Master of Awkward

2008-05-04T09:21:00.005-05:00

Only once before last night did it really "hit me" that I'm graduating. More than that, it's that I'm leaving Schreiner. I know that my little diploma is a big deal, but when you know you're going to a foreign country where it doesn't really affect what you're doing (although a degree is required), and replacing it with a Masters four years laster, it's just not that exciting.

That is a big deal to me is leaving this place. I came in as such a different person than I am leaving. I've made so many friends and been through ups and downs with them. I really do wonder how many I will keep in contact with. I think it will be especially difficult in my case as I won't be able to text or call someone just to say, "Hey."

Last night was the 1st Annual Campus Ministry Banquet and Dance. Confession: I went mostly because I thought it would be Awkward Fest 2008. However, it was actually quite a bit of fun. Yours truly was the DJ, which I found stressful at first because people are so opinionated about their musical taste. I also take my music pretty personally so I can be a little defensive about it!

So, I got to dance with an old girlfriend for a couple songs and we shared our thoughts about graduating. It was then that I realized how sad I am to not see some of these people again. In her case it isn't as big of a deal because this fall she's starting at the seminary I will most likely attend a year later. But there are a lot of people that I wouldn't necessarily call to hang out but I enjoy seeing them around and at social events. It's those kind of people I'll miss.

I am excited about graduation as my parents, bother, sister-in-law, and nephew, dad's sisters, another aunt, uncle, and cousin, and a great aunt and great uncle. Full house! I think it will be a lot of fun and because I didn't have a high school graduation (because I graduated a year early), it's even that much more exciting. Oh, and we're also going out to one of my favorite Kerrville restaurants.

Well, I should go work on my last paper of my college career... WHOA, weird. Who am I kidding, I'll wait till tonight!

Halfway Mark

2008-05-01T08:31:00.004-05:00

I'm halfway done with finals. Actually, more than half. I've written 26 pages and only have 6 left. That's not so bad! I also have a pretty easy traditional exam next week that I'm not worried about. I still don't think it's really hit me that I'm graduating next week. I'm excited but not really sad. I don't understand because I love Schreiner; it just hasn't sunk in I guess.

People have been so supportive of my going to India. It's been a nice contrast with my level of pre-placement support. I think people are able to relate to the excitement that I'm exuding. And I do mean that; I'm drunk on excitement I think!

I don't really have anything genius to say as I'm running on a glorious four hours of sleep (and I definitely love my eight hours every night!). Just thought I'd check in.

I'm going to India!

2008-04-29T08:09:00.006-05:00

Finally, after two years of being interested in the YAV program, I know where I'm going to be living in September: Kerala, India.

I flew out of San Antonio on Thursday morning to arrive in Louisville, Kentucky around 3:00 PM. I found the other prospective YAVs waiting on me at the airport. A baggage cart hit my plane when we were pulling out of Houston (a connection I had to make) so we were a little late, but the 20 people waiting didn't seem to mind.

Everyone introduced themselves and I was still anxious because of not knowing anyone but by the end of the 15 min. van ride to Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary I just felt good about where I was. We were all welcomed enthusiastically and people continued to filter in from the airport.

Now, I had checked the invitation email to see how many people had received it (about 16) but it turns out about 35-40 people were at the placement event. This made a lot of us nervous. I especially shy away from competition and with a program like this you have enough worries already.

To sum up the weekend: it was amazing. The amount of people was perfect. I've never felt part of a community so quickly that truly supported each other in their joys and struggles. It was intense: a lot of discernment took place, but it was healthy. I wouldn't change anything.

I interviewed with Guatemala (as did 21 others) and India (11 others). Now, Guatemala was great but I'll stick to talking about India for the most part as that is where I was placed. I immediately liked the India site-coordinator.

Rev. Thomas John is a retired Psychology prof. and the only native missionary of the PCUSA and was born and raised in Kerala but educated partially in the States. He is such a gentle person and is just able to put you at ease. He is also very excited for us to be a part of his family and took pictures of us to show to his wife.

However, the interview was still pretty intense. I don't know how better to describe it. He asked meaningful questions to really get to know me and never tried to stump me but still, it was intense. I walked out feeling good, but not perfect about it.

In the end I put down India and Guatemala equally as preferences but after I couldn't stop thinking about India, I went back and explained that while I'd be happy at either, I really felt more excited about/called to India. The program is very education based and really encourages us to immerse ourselves as fully as possible.

I also love the other people who applied to to India. While only four of us were placed there, I would have been happy with any of them being there with me. One person in particular, Sudie (it's her real name) is a blast and we really get each others' senses of humor (as do the others) so I think we'll be able to really support each other on this journey.

Right now, I'm just thrilled. The day after I had to manage some doubts but the excitement has just grown. I know that there will be a lull as I get closer and I will probably start to panic that I won't do well, but in the end I know that God has a hand in this as this is something that a really feel called to do even if I don't understand it fully.

Well, I'm off to read more about India!

The Doorway

2008-04-23T14:20:00.003-05:00

I feel very alone in my journey. And I think I'm semi-OK with it. I don't feel like anyone really gets why or what I'm doing with the next year of my life. I'm not taking a year off. I'm not saving the heathens. People just don't know how to relate to the choice I've made in responding to the call I feel.

My Campus Minister and I just had a great conversation. She knew that I am leaving in the morning to spend four days in Louisville, Kentucky to discern my placement for my year as a YAV and asked if we could sit down after a meeting we were both a part of. We discussed my concerns and what I wanted to get out of the weekend.

I realized that more than anything I want to come away feeling at peace with my placement wherever it is. I also told her how alone I feel in all of this. A friend of mine recently flew to Indiana for a job interview that is also a year long placement but very different from what I'll be doing; she will work for her sorority and travel all around the States.

When she left, another friend and I were extremely supportive and really encouraged her. However, with me neither of them know what to say or how to approach the situation. I just don't feel very supported or understood but I realize that it's not their fault; they simply don't know how to relate.

My Campus Minister and I explored the idea that the isolation I'm feeling is a way for me to feel at home with the other YAVs and appreciate being able to relate to each other and everything we have in common. So, because of that I'm looking forward to this trip.

I'm also concerned for how my friendships will hold up after I return from Guandia. Frankly, I know I will be changed, hopefully for the better, and will view the world in a much different way than I did before I left. Also, because it will be difficult for me to stay connected to people back home, the change may seem a little abrupt. I know that some of my relationships will grow because of it but some will inevitably be hurt by the changes we undergo.

I'm just trying to stay open to it all. I feel like I'm walking into a blackened doorway with the unknown on the other side. But I feel like whatever I find will be amazing.

Calvinists Taking Over YouTube

2008-04-22T13:57:00.005-05:00

I need coffee badly right now. I'm sitting in The Reformation Era, a History/Religion course, trying not to fall asleep. We're even talking about Scottish Calvinists (Presbyterians)! What a failure. ;)

I stayed up too late last night with Hannah, probably boring her to tears. I think we spent about three hours on YouTube watching nonsense; mostly Leona Lewis live performances and music videos. While I had a good time, apparently it is catching up to me.

I only got six hours of sleep, which is about three less than normal for me. See, I take my sleep schedule pretty seriously and find myself a bit cranky when it has been disrupted. For example, I was not looking forward to giving a tour to some prospective students, which I normally enjoy, but it went OK.

The book I have been trying to read has been shelved as I believe it and I are not a good match. So, I've moved on to the next book in a series I started in junior high. I was relieved to see that it grabbed my attention from the get go. I am a little worried as it has bad reviews, but, alas, I am a dedicated fan and will finish the series.

Lastly, I'm ashamed that it looks as if I will be doing nothing spectacularly amazing for Earth Day. How's that for going green?

Well, here's a treat: Leona Lewis singing Bleeding Love, from Spirit, at the Brit Awards.

Pandora's Box Rocks!

2008-04-21T12:25:00.007-05:00

Ok, I have to give credit to my friend for introducing me to this, who was introduced to it by her boyfriend. Anyway, it's Pandora and apparently it's a big deal around the internet but if you didn't already know about it and you like music at all, you should look into it.

From Wikipedia,

Pandora is an automated music recommendation and Internet radio service created by the Music Genome Project. Users enter a song or artist that they enjoy, and the service responds by playing selections that are musically similar. Users provide feedback on the individual song choices — approval or disapproval — which Pandora takes into account for future selections.

So, basically you register and create different "stations" that will play music related to songs and/or artists that you select for that station. I love it because it introduces you to new music that you've never even heard of but will most likely like. And if you don't, you just tell it so.

I'm addicted and already have five (diverse) stations that I rotate depending on my mood:

- Country

- Indescribable Funky Fun

- Piano Rock

- Pop (Relaxing)

- Rock

Also, you can share your stations with friends and listen to each others'. Basically, it rocks and it doesn't cost you anything!

Elitist Butts

2008-04-20T20:53:00.004-05:00

I am no longer an employee of the H.E.Butt Grocery Company... apparently. My last day was supposed to be this Wednesday but when I got this weeks schedule I saw:

MON - OFF

TUE - OFF

WED - OFF

THU - OFF

FRI - OFF

SAT - OFF

SUN - OFF

The only thing I'm disappointed about is when I last worked, last Wednesday, I didn't know it was my last day so I didn't say good bye to people; I just walked out. However, I'm glad that I'll have more time to devote to writing my finals before I leave on Thursday to go to my placement event.

I did visit HEB today to shop and furthered my going green, which was pretty expensive this round. But I figure it's worth paying extra for organics and if I just spend less in other areas, as I've been doing, it will even out and I'll feel better about where my money is going.

Home went well; I successfully helped my mom set up her computer even though she doesn't quite get how to use it yet. I tried hard not be impatient and I did well for the most part seeing as I was rushed. I got to see my nephew, Josh, who got sick the next day so I wasn't able to spend a lot of time with my brother and his wife. But I'm looking forward to spending the summer at home with everyone, including Henry. And also with my parents new tv!

In other news, I'm really frustrated with a book I just started. You see, when two of my friends went home with me for spring break we stumbled upon a great $0.99 book sale at Hasting's where I got 8 books. I have already read the first one, Elements of Style, a quick-read, witty satire of NYC's elitist social society. It really made me think whereas the book that I've just started seems to be going nowhere! It's just a little disappointing because I'd like a good book right now!

And on that note, good night!

Henry

2008-04-20T14:30:00.002-05:00

Meet Henry, my parents' ~~dog~~ child. He's 4 months old and a Jack RussellRat Terrier cross. He happens to be my favorite dog in the world and makes me want my own pretty bad. Oh, and I get to spend the summer with him!

Perfection

2008-04-20T14:26:00.001-05:00

I woke up Friday morning after driving home the evening before to find that it was raining! As I've mentioned before, I love rain. And while I enjoyed the rain, I took this picture as the rain clouds swept away to reveal the sun and the grass was still wet. What a perfect, coffee-drinking, Henry-petting morning!

Prius, Meet Kerala, Cousin of Gujarat

2008-04-16T18:48:00.006-05:00

I met an Indian woman today at work; she spent her first 18 years of life in Gujarat, a state on the western coast, and the last 18 years here in the States. Most exciting was that she just returned from a visit to Kerala, a state on the southwestern coast I will live in if I am placed in India. I told her about YAV and she was so genuinely excited for me.

She explained that she would love for her daughter, who is in the 9th grade I hear, to live in India so that she would understand how to appreciate the "facilities" we have in the States. She even told me that she wouldn't lie, a year would be intense; I excitedly explained that I would be disappointed if it wasn't.

In the end, it was great to visit with her and I was amazed at how supportive she was and she seemed to "get" why I wanted to go. I absolutely can not wait to know where I'll be adventuring at the end of August.

Also, while at work, I asked a woman how she liked her car, a pastel green Prius. Apparently it is amazing and as soon as I have a little money, I should buy one. I sincerely promised her I would.

I Need...

2008-04-16T18:41:00.003-05:00

- a project
- to finish my Islamic Studies paper
- to enjoy my last weeks here
- to call my grandparents
- to take more pictures
- to spend less money
- to pray more
- more sleep
- less coffee
- support
- to run
- to pack for tomorrow
- to clean my room
- my coffee mug back
- to not worry about YAV
- to read the Bible
- to make the most of my time
- to relax
- love

- to accept that I have more of everything, material and immaterial, than I'll ever "need"

(It's A) Good Morning, America!

2008-04-15T08:12:00.004-05:00

What a great start to a day! I set my alarm to 5:00 AM because I needed to write a short paper this morning before class. I didn't actually get out of bed until 5:56 and was a little concerned because I was about as groggy as a frog hit on the head by a log. I thought, "OK, you're just going to have to get some coffee and wake up!" And I did! I was completely done with my paper by 7:20 and had time to get ready for class, go to the computer lab, print out my paper, and made it to class 4 minutes early.

However, the most exciting thing, was that when I walked out of the door this morning I had to turn around and grab a coat because it was an amazing 47ºF outside. I love cold weather even though I live in the great Republic of Texas. I'm afraid that I may miss the rare cold I experience here when living in Guandia, but it'll be worth it!

I also called my mom during my down time between writing and class. She was out walking with my friend's mom, who is her friend... obviously; now, this walking makes me really happy because I know she's happier when she exercises and it puts me more at ease about her health (she's previously had two heart attacks). I try not to be too critical though as I don't struggle with weight and I don't want to seem insensitive. However, I do tend to speak my mind.

Anyway, she told me that her computer came in which is exciting because she's needed one for quite some time. I think she'll be really happy with the one I ordered and I'm going to enjoy helping her set it up this weekend and teaching her all about Vista. Hopefully, we'll manage not to get too impatient with each other. Side-note: Vista is amazing. I've used it for almost a year and can't imagine going back to XP. Embrace change, people; it's not a bad thing.

And on that note, I'm going to go order her a printer.

Seriously!?

2008-04-13T23:12:00.002-05:00

Thanks for letting me know. Now, go plant a few trees to offset your carbon sasquatch-print.

See You In Guandia!

2008-04-13T22:47:00.003-05:00

I'm starting to get so very excited about the program I've applied to. For background, because many don't know, this is what the program is.

It is the Young Adult Volunteer Program through the PC(USA). It is a year-long program, running from August '08-August '09 with both National and International placements. The program focuses on being rather than doing and is a ministry of presence. I found out about the program my sophomore year and it was then that I began playing with the idea of becoming a volunteer (YAV). I began the application process in February and have now been invited to travel to Louisville, Kentucky for the International Placement Event from August 24-27.

I've signed up to interview with Guatemala and India after thinking about Hungary, Northern Ireland, Egypt, Peru, Kenya and others. Guatemala would be amazingly relevant as I would return in Spanish and you also live with a host family which is ideal for me as it is the extreme of cultural immersion. At the India site, you live at small colleges, orphanages, or elder homes, or a hybrid of all three, which are also very culturally immersive. I would be so happy with either and am trying not to lean too much one way or the other.

So, the placement event. I'm so excited! I think it will be a lot of fun and I'll meet the people that I'll be serving with which should be really cool. It will also help because lately I have felt that a lot of people don't really "get it." They don't really understand my reasons for going, which I understand; it's a pretty counter-cultural thing to give up a year of your life. But I don't feel like that's what I'll be doing at all. I really feel like I'll be gaining so much for giving very little.

Well, I'm trying not to get too excited because there is a small chance that I won't get a placement, but I feel pretty good about the whole thing.

¿Por qué?

2008-04-13T22:35:00.006-05:00

Tonight I deleted two blogs that I previously started and unsuccessfully maintained; one on MSN Spaces (10 posts total) and one on Myspace (1 post). Before deleting them, I saved them as drafts on this blog so that I will have a record of them. I still don't really know what I want to accomplish with this blog, but I have some ideas for motivation.

First, I have a horrible memory, so this will be helpful to look back on later in life. I anticipate that being even more helpful when I'm in Guatemala/India next year as I expect after a year of being back in the states it will all be a blur anyway. I want to be able to look back and tell my kids about my experiences and I believe this will be a helpful tool.

Also, I will use this blog while overseas to inform people of what I'm doing on a daily basis as I don't imagine I'll be making many phone calls. This way, people who care can stop by and see what I'm up too without me responding to a ton of separate emails. However, I really do hope people email me, because I'm going to want to keep up with their lives also.

Thirdly, I have found, when I'm able to keep up with it, blogging really helps me process my thoughts and experiences which will be particularly helpful when living overseas. I'm sure I'll have some crazy, uncomfortable, unnerving experiences that will need intense exploring to make a little sense of. I imagine that I'll keep a journal and mark certain selections as blog worthy so that I'm not subjecting everyone to all of my rambling thoughts.

Also, I installed a program to monitor the traffic on my blog because I was curious to see who visits. The answer: absolutely no one. The reason: I won't tell anyone the address. However, I had at least imagined that some anonymous strangers had stumbled over it at this point. No, they haven't. I'm ok with this though. I have a pretty eclectic audience in my head that I'm still writing too and when I do decide to put the address out there, the blog will be well established and I should have found a good rhythm.

Until then, I'm enjoying talking to you, my lovely, imaginary audience. And thank you for not criticizing me.

"That's how it is."

2008-04-13T11:26:00.006-05:00

When I first saw the following Corporate Confession in my morning bulletin, I laughed. I'm really going to say, "That's how it is" to God?!

Leader: In our confession today, we are acknowledging what life is often like in an imperfect world. We are confessing those places where we, as the human family, are broken and need the light of God’s love and grace to break in and bring new life. Our confession this morning is a responsive one. I will make a statement, and then you will respond with “That’s how it is.”

Leader: We find ourselves separated from our sisters and brothers.

Response: That’s how it is.

Leader: There are lines drawn between us that are racial, that are economic. (Response)

Leader: We live cut off from many sources of strength and power, and often feel that we cannot act. (Response)

Leader: So many things call to us, grab for our attention, that we find ourselves stretched to a fine, thin line. (Response)

Leader: Our time is fragmented, our lives are fragmented. We are broken. (Response)

Leader: Yet, in the face of all this, we seek out the joy of the resurrection. We ask again for new life given to us in Jesus Christ! (Response)

Leader: O God, giver of grace and new life, that’s how it is with our lives. We seek the power of your Spirit, that we may live in fuller union with you and with our sisters and brothers, and that we may gain courage to love and to act. Through Jesus Christ we pray, Amen.

However, as we read it, I realized that the words really spoke to me. What was most amazing was how each, "That's how it is," from the group reflected the previously spoken words. Some responses were sad and desperate, others were joyful and thankful. My favorite section was, "We live cut off from many sources of strength and power, and often feel that we cannot act. So many things call to us, grab for our attention, that we find ourselves stretched to a fine, thin line. Our time is fragmented, our lives are fragmented. We are broken."

I constantly feel like there are some many issues in the world that I alone can't work to stop every one of them. But I also feel guilty for not trying. I know I'm not expected to, but I just wish I could do more. I felt touched when when we lamented as a group how we felt cut off from sources from power, but at the same time there are things that we can do to work for justice. Again, I don't really know what my call is in this area of my life, but I try to keep expanding my knowledge of issues around the world because I feel like they really are all interrelated.

Prayer. That's my call. To pray so that I may be reminded of my blessings and others' trials.

Devotional

2008-04-11T22:23:00.006-05:00

This is a devotional that I wrote for my university's Campus Ministry. I'm not putting it here because I think it's that amazing; more to keep a record of it...

Exodus 24:1-18 (New International Version)

Exodus 24:2, 4, 8-9:

"...but Moses alone is to approach the LORD; the others must not come near. And the people may not come up with him... Moses then wrote down everything the LORD had said... Moses then took the blood, sprinkled it on the people and said, 'This is the blood of the covenant that the LORD has made with you in accordance with all these words.' Moses and Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and the seventy elders of Israel went up."

When I first read this passage, it bothered me that God only allowed Moses to come up and worship him. But in the end, all the elders that were present were able to go up and worship God. It just took time and patience. So what did God accomplish by only allowing Moses to climb the mountain the first time? He gave him a message for others.

I was a part of a conversation last night where we talked about other people's, especially our peer's, roles in our relationship with God. This passage enforces the idea that God often speaks to us through others. Sometimes it is other children of God that ask us the difficult questions and help us to ponder what God is trying to communicate to us. What is important is how we respond. The first step is to listen, which, I will readily admit, is sometimes a personal struggle for me. Two years ago I was really searching for God's voice and will in a particular area in my life and looking back, I can see how many people He spoke through, to me. Whether it was, friends, pastors, family, co-workers, they all had a role.

Try to remember that God wants us to listen to each other to discern His voice. Also, be open to the fact that God could be using you to speak to others.

Prayer: Loving God, thank you for caring enough to play a role in each of our lives. Please help us to be open and patient with one another's voices and to seek your voice through them all. In Christ's name we pray, Amen.

My Spirit's Sigh

2008-04-11T17:11:00.006-05:00

I have a friend who, bless their heart, seems to be convinced that everyone wants to know everything about their life, day, hour, etc. This person does not hold back; they tell their stories with great detail and vigor just knowing their audience is enthralled. Honestly, this is one of this person's defining qualities and I really do like it about them. However, I am just not the same way.

I rarely feel inclined to just give someone a run down of my day; not even my closest friends. I just don't think it's that interesting and I don't want people to be bored with me. What all of this made me realize today is that this blog is my substitute for rambling to "real" people. I can write a long post here and not feel like I'm pressuring anyone to feel like they care. People can stop by and when they realize just how boring I am they can exit their browsers. They won't feel guilty, because I won't know. It really is a win-win situation and I plan on exploiting it further!

Speaking of work, I had a really good time today at HEB. The word has gotten around that I've put in my two weeks notice and a lot of people have shared that they are sad that I'll be leaving, etc. It really made me feel good and I realized that I do have a real talent with connecting with people in a short amount of time (I've only worked there since the end of Jan.). I will really miss some of these people too but at the same time, I'm really excited about moving on from Kerrville. I feel that I've really grown here and accomplished a lot, but feel like graduation has come at a healthy time for me. I'm about to close this chapter and am at peace about it.

Wow, I love life... and Leona Lewis' debut album, Spirit.

Papers With Malaria at Graduation

2008-04-10T11:30:00.005-05:00

I finally wrote my paper that I had been putting off and it feels great. Oddly enough, yesterday it didn't. Even after turning it in I had that nagging feeling that I still had things to do and just wasn't feeling quite right. However, today, after making a to do list to better organize myself, I can say that I feel relaxed and relieved again. Today is going to be one of those busy, productive days that is strangely enjoyable; I can already feel it! Oh, how I love days like this.

I also ordered my mom a computer from Dell, which also needed to be done for quite some time. It made me sad because the price of hers was about half of what mine cost a few months ago and the one I just ordered would have suited me just fine. Granted, having a laptop is extremely nice and all that, but I didn't need one. It just reminded me that I really do need to analyze what I actually need compared to what I just want. I have been doing better, but as always, there is (extreme) room for improvement.

Idol Gives Back was on last night making it the second anniversary of the show that raised $76 million last year. The show was done really well and highlighted quite a few compelling, sincere stories from Africa and disadvantaged regions in the US, such as New Orleans. While a lot of the African charities focussed on AIDs, I was personally moved by the stories about malaria. Because malaria is so preventable, and for not much money, it seems absurd that, as Forest Whitaker said, a child dies every 30 seconds from the disease. The Prime Minister of Great Britain announced that his country would be purchasing $20,000,000 worth of misquotes nets for Africans. I am so impressed and would love it if America decided to at least match that.

On a lighter note, I just went to the Senior Meeting where we discussed graduation, which is exactly one month away! I was nominated as the Student Speaker and lost by a landslide. I can honestly say I thought it was comical when someone said, "Who's that?" I'm also pretty relieved that I don't have to write anything. However, I will be a liturgist at Baccalaureate, which fits me much better and I am quite looking forward to it.

Since then I have made my way to class where I continue to enjoy my day!

Misinterpreting Deadlines

2008-04-08T13:08:00.004-05:00

I'm dealing with a bit of stress today. Two of my conversations that I wrote about on Sunday have been dealt with and each went surprisingly well. However, another seemingly normal, unimportant conversation became distressing last night. You see, I had emailed someone for more information about one of the sites that I'm applying for using a certain light, slightly dramatic tone which was meant to be a little humorous but may not have come across as such. The reply I received seemed to take my email a little too seriously and came off a bit harsh.

In actuality, the replier may just be playing off my special brand of humor very well. If not, I have a pretty significant case of misinterpretation via email. In their defense, upon rereading my original message, I can see that my humor was probably undetectable. I'm praying that the email I received in return was indeed meant to be humorous as well. The lesson here: humor may not always come across well over email to someone you have never met.

On another note, the paper that I have been putting off for the last two weeks now has a concrete deadline a mere day away. This strangely eases stress because in my crazy head I know I will be done with it no matter what in a little over 24 hours and I am now forced to write it tonight. Strange how relaxing a deadline can actually be. Without a deadline, I successfully put of this paper for an absurd length of time. Also, I'm feeling more and more motivated to write the paper because of its political relevance.

In other words, I'll be thoroughly relieved when these two situations are behind me.

Do I have to?

2008-04-06T14:32:00.003-05:00

So, I have to have a difficult conversation with someone later and I'm looking forward to it only because that means it will be taken care of. It's one of those I'm-letting-you-down-and-here's-why conversations. I wish I could just email them the bottom line, but alas, humans like explanations; so I will soon be explaining. After it's over I anticipate a healthy does of relief as this conversation, if handled effectively, will close one of the chapters in my life-book.

There's another conversation that will inevitably occur soon that I'm not looking forward at all. It's more of a hey-John-why-didn't-you-follow-through-with-this conversation and my (pre-conceived) response will be concise and honest. While I don't really feel any guilt about this particular situation, after-all we are in the Easter season, I don't want to have to explain myself either. I signed up for something and due to a lack of communication from the other side, didn't realize what all I was getting myself into.

Oh, and there's a third conversation that is more of a I'm-letting-you-down-and-here's-why/hey-John-why-didn't-you-follow-through-with-this hybrid conversation. Specifically, it entails HEB receiving my two-weeks notice. I have legitimate reasons for quitting; namely, moving across the state before moving across the world, but I fear a negative response. Hopefully, I'll catch the right manager on the right day to minimize the pain. Although, I will be very relieved when that one can be checked off.

And to round this out on a positive note, there is a conversation, or set of them, that I'm purely looking forward to and those are my upcoming interviews in Louisville, Kentucky at the placement event. I'm very excited to say that I am only minimally nervous and just have an all-around good feeling about the whole situation.

So, conversations aren't always bad, some just require more care and planning than others.

Hello, World.

2008-04-04T08:26:00.006-05:00

Good morning! I'm sitting at my computer with my morning cup of coffee and enjoying the sounds of the birds, air units, and the breeze as I decided to open my windows. Opening my windows is one of those things that I always enjoy but seem to never remember. Back to my morning cup of coffee. It's different today! Instead of Coffeemate French Vanilla liquid creamer, I'm using half-and-half and sugar and here's the kicker: they're both organic (my coffee would be too, but too bad my roommate already filled the bean reservoir with something else).

The point of all of this is to let you know that I've decided to ease into "going green". See, I have a tendency to rush into things, devote all my energy, peak early, and quickly burn-out. I'm trying to avoid that here. My first step was to start buying organic food not only because of the lack of additives, but also because of the lack of damage done to the environment in their production. Here, I must vent for a moment; I'm very frustrated at not being able to find a good, user-friendly website that helps you to live a more environmentally lifestyle! So, if I find a good one, I'll post it here, and if you find a good one, you'd better do the same. ;)

So, I went to that wonderful place we call HEB (where I also happen to work) and made my way through the aisles grabbing some produce here, some cereal there. Now, I had heard how expensive organics were but I was quite happy with my bill as I didn't feel it was ridiculous by any means. Hopefully a less materialistic lifestyle (something I'm continually working on, but inevitably failing at) will help to offset the price of eating/living healthy. Oh, and I also bought reusable grocery bags to bring my groceries home in!

All in all I felt pretty productive as I finished my scheduled day at 1:00 PM and went to Starbucks then because my class was cancelled. It is then that I went on my Organic Extravaganza, but it is what happened afterward that is truly remarkable; I went to my room and worked on my big paper! I've been really bad about this one due to a lack of motivation for a poorly chosen topic (which has thankfully been changed) and general procrastination. Yet, I finished re-watching the movie that I'm writing over (Daughter of Keltoum, which is recommended viewing) and took no less than 12 pages of notes. I then found 22 articles over Algeria, the Berbers, women, water, and mountains that I now need to work through. The point is, I'm now really excited about this paper and am looking forward to working on it later tonight when I get off work.

And now I'm going to finish my morning internet rounds, drinking my coffee, and enjoying my view (which I realized yesterday is quite nice)...

Astronomical Reckoning

2008-04-03T09:30:00.003-05:00

For a while I've wrestled with what to do with this awkward time block between college and volunteering. I toyed with the idea of being a counselor at three different camp/conference centers, keeping my job at HEB, staying in Kerrville (both on and off campus), transferring to an HEB at home, and working for a ranch in Junction.

What I've settled on is to go home for the summer and just be. I'll read and write, spend time with family, travel and say good-bye to friends, catch up on films I want to see, help my parents out with working cows when they need it, keep the house up to make it easier on them, run through woods in the morning, take plenty of pictures, eat healthier, cook, and relax. I won't be getting a job. I feel like 3 months isn't enough time to really commit myself to anything anyway and I've asked my parents to keep any tractor work to a minimum as I find it overwhelming depressing. I may even find somewhere to volunteer a few hours a week.

I don't really know what I want to accomplish. I feel like it will be a good transition from Schreiner to India/Guatemala (I will be volunteering in one of these countries for a year beginning in August). I'll be able to visit my friends a few times but also allow myself to be more comfortable away from them. I'll be able to spend time with my nephew, Josh, as well as my brother and sister-and-law. I'm just trying not to over-plan it by keeping my options open and as scheduleless as possible.

Also, because I had to miss a trip in February that the school payed for, we had to buy a refunded ticket from the university for $357. So, I'll need to find a way to spend that ticket before the end of August comes. Going off of an idea that my friend, Elaine, gave me, I think I may just fly up to New Hampshire for a few days and relax in the most rural bed & breakfast I'm able to find. I think that could be both fun and rewarding

So, now I'm really looking forward to the summer and what it has to offer. The only thing I really want to do is to just center myself.

Sleeping Pills, Turtles, and Mines

2008-04-03T08:43:00.008-05:00

Last night we watched Turtles Can Fly in Islamic Studies. It was intense. The film was made by an Iranian director in Iraq and was the first film to be made there since the fall of Saddam Hussein. The film focuses on a small village on the Turkish-Iraqi border with a large population of orphaned and/or refugee Kurdish children. A wide variety of children were presented and some of their stories were truly heartbreaking. The film is fiction but feels like a documentary. I don't want to go into too many details in case anyone wants to see it, which I heartily recommend. Warning: don't sit down with popcorn and friends for this one expecting a light evening of entertainment. For example, after we finished our short discussion, one of my professors said, "Well, I'm glad you all enjoyed the film." I kind of laughed and said, "I don't know that enjoyed it the right word." I do appreciate how uncomfortable it made me and how much it gave me to think about.

What the film did most is make me feel hopeless. There are children all over the world hurt by war and the fact is whether we leave today or tomorrow from Iraq, these children's situations will be the same. They will still have lost arms and legs, will still be orphans, will still remember the rape that forced a child on them. The film crossed political lines for me. It makes the issues we argue over in American politics seem juvenile. Turtles Can Fly wasn't even anti-American; yet, I felt my fair share of American guilt. I remember the day of invasion and watching as that long caravan of American tanks went over portable bridges into Iraq feeling a sense of pride and purpose. What the hell was I thinking!?

Have we made life easier for children whose arms were blown of by mines America left from a past war? We haven't, and we can't. My other professor felt the director was trying to convey that when some things are done their effects are permanent. We see the war in Iraq as an event. For children living there it won't really ever end. They will still have the scars and miss their parents for the rest of their lives. What are we to do as privileged westerners?

As a Christian I find myself searching for the hope that Christ brings to situations like this one. To be honest, I haven't found it yet. But I'm still looking. On the way to class this morning I wondered, what, if anything, can I do to make a difference. I realized that I really do need to be more thankful for the totally undeserved life I have been given. Recently, I have been procrastinating writing a paper and feeling overwhelmed because "all" the things I need to do. Guess, what? My life's not difficult! It's a cake walk on sleeping pills. I feel like my call right now is to be more appreciative for everything that's been given to me and to use it more wisely. I know we all have a wider call to help unjust situations around the world but right now, I'm going to try to focus on what I can do here and now.

So, I went and watched the American Idol results. See what I mean, hopeless...

Where the ____ is?

2007-11-19T19:30:00.001-06:00

Can home not refer to more than a plaque with five numbers?

I had a few topics that I'd been dying to write about all weekend, including adoption, the complexities of the human personality, and the beauty of life's unpredictability (maybe I'll get to them), but all I can think about is how good it feels to be back in my apartment. I felt relaxed the moment I stepped through the door with my overstuffed backpack and laundry hamper full of newly-dirtied clothes. There's just something to be said about having your own space to be. I have four different papers to write, a test tomorrow to study for, and notes of missed classes to find. Yet, somehow, it all seems more manageable than it did 300 miles earlier. Here, in this room, I'm invincible.

Strange thing is that I loved my visit home. I left my university Thursday night after my last class was done and was planning on returning early enough this morning that I would be able to make all of my appointments. However, that plan of action had me waking at 5:00 AM for a 4.5 hour drive through the fog, so I postponed my return until later today and arrived just late enough to miss my last engagement. In short, my weekend was filled with an 6 week old nephew, 17 month old cousin, two aunts' new puppies, and delicious food. The weekend over all gets an A+, even including the drive.

As I entered the city limits of my current residence, I picked up the phone to make the traditional, complimentary "I've made it safely" call to my mother. And then I made the awkward mistake of saying, "I've made it home safely." Nothing was said, and she probably didn't care, but the slip had me thinking about what I actually consider to be home. The way "home" is used it seems to refer to a singular place. But maybe that's the problem; we tend to think of home as a physical place with an address and a porch swing.

I often refer to home while at college meaning where I grew up and vice versa. Certainly they can both be my homes. Maybe home is where you feel drawn to. It's more difficult for me to feel a longing for my apartment when I'm just across campus compared to the serenity it seems to offer while I'm surrounded by an exhausting, but loving, family. I think it's pefectly fine for the idea of home to be more fluid; ebbing and flowing flowing with my own location. Now, sitting in this chair, in this room, in this apartment, in this town, I'm content. I'm home... for now.

One of my favorite movies, Garden State, has a wonderful quote about home:

Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Genesis 1:1 : "In the beginning..."

2007-11-14T18:54:00.000-06:00

What if we came hardwired with the answers to all of the questions?

This isn't my first blog. I actually started that blog almost two years ago on a different site. I kept up with it well for a few months before life pulled me away. I was reminded of it today and went back to read each entry. It was like a was reading someone elses work. A child's. I wrote those entries before my visit to France, I began my Religion courses, a whirlwind of a relationship that went up in flames, becoming a brother-in-law, becoming an uncle, my life-changing internship, and I made plans to spend a year in Northern Ireland. Sufice it to say, I am able to humbly see an ample amount of growth has occured.

I was annoyed at my play-by-play entries that chronicled each day of my life, my childish ramblings, and my lack of depth. The entries were un-reflective and only grasped the surface of my life. A constant friend and avid journaler was reading along with me and replied to my frustration, "Ok this is a lot like journaling (ok it practically is journaling) and rule number one is that you can't judge your art. Because it's your life." Her response really got me. I shouldn't judge any growth I've experienced.

Growth is good. I feel as human beings we should strive to better ourselves and deepen our understang of the world around us... constantly! I find myself seeking out experiences that I believe will boost this growth. I won't go as far as to say, "Oh, I don't regret anything because it's made me who I am!" This can be true for some, but I feel there are some experiences that tear people down. Of course, a lot of that is how you respond to experiences. The point is: If we don't try learn something from our past experiences, they are near worthless. So, while it can be frustrating, annoying, and even dissapointing to look back on myself at points in my life, it's neccesary to appreciate where I am, to enjoy this moment, to better understand the present me.

That's why I've started this blog. To poke at my skin and say, "Hey, what's under there? Come on, you've got things to say!" To ask some hard questions. So the future me can look back and say, "Oh, I remember that guy... and while he's got a lot to learn, there are a few things he can still teach me. If all of the answers and lessons were laid out for us, life's wonderful, awkward, painful, beautiful experiences wouldn't be nearly as rewarding.