Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Doorway

I feel very alone in my journey. And I think I'm semi-OK with it. I don't feel like anyone really gets why or what I'm doing with the next year of my life. I'm not taking a year off. I'm not saving the heathens. People just don't know how to relate to the choice I've made in responding to the call I feel.

My Campus Minister and I just had a great conversation. She knew that I am leaving in the morning to spend four days in Louisville, Kentucky to discern my placement for my year as a YAV and asked if we could sit down after a meeting we were both a part of. We discussed my concerns and what I wanted to get out of the weekend.

I realized that more than anything I want to come away feeling at peace with my placement wherever it is. I also told her how alone I feel in all of this. A friend of mine recently flew to Indiana for a job interview that is also a year long placement but very different from what I'll be doing; she will work for her sorority and travel all around the States. 

When she left, another friend and I were extremely supportive and really encouraged her. However, with me neither of them know what to say or how to approach the situation. I just don't feel very supported or understood but I realize that it's not their fault; they simply don't know how to relate. 

My Campus Minister and I explored the idea that the isolation I'm feeling is a way for me to feel at home with the other YAVs and appreciate being able to relate to each other and everything we have in common. So, because of that I'm looking forward to this trip. 

I'm also concerned for how my friendships will hold up after I return from Guandia. Frankly, I know I will be changed, hopefully for the better, and will view the world in a much different way than I did before I left. Also, because it will be difficult for me to stay connected to people back home, the change may seem a little abrupt. I know that some of my relationships will grow because of it but some will inevitably be hurt by the changes we undergo. 

I'm just trying to stay open to it all. I feel like I'm walking into a blackened doorway with the unknown on the other side. But I feel like whatever I find will be amazing.

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